While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

::John Waller::

it's about time...

Something will grow from all of this...
and it will be me.

the thing about Rachel

The thing about Rachel is that she gets me.

Like, she REALLY gets me.

I think she might be the only person that knows exactly what I'm thinking without telling her. She might be the only person that knows I need her without me asking for her. And vice versa. We are strangely there for each other whenever anything has happened in either of our lives.

Take, for instance, when Phil died. (Just a disclaimer: Rachel is one of the best people to talk about Phil too--and she didn't even know him! But she gets it. She was there with me when he died--which I'm going to tell you about--but she also works at SAVE, a non-profit suicide awareness organization. So she understands why I feel the way I do. She deals with this stuff on an every day basis. Not to mention she's getting a masters degree in psychology and will probably be the best psychologist ever to roam the Earth. Add the fact that she's one of my best friends on top of that and you see why I love her so much! Ok, I'll stop bragging about how cool my friends are and get back to what I was going to write...) The day that Phil died, I woke up with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was something I couldn't explain. I just knew it meant something bad had happened. When I heard that there were cop cars outside of his house, I knew what had happened. Before that day, Phil and suicide would have never crossed my mind as an option. But somehow, I just knew that morning.

Well...Rae and I were pretty much siamese twins during our freshman year of college. We spent the majority of our day together, ate almost every meal together, hung out pretty much every night. The only time we were apart (typically) was when we had class (provided it wasn't a class we had, ya know, together haha). Sophomore year, we were both RA's so we obviously saw each other a ton but not as much--because we were RA's, we both had more responsibility and needed to spend more time on our own floor. Since we weren't constantly with each other that year, it wasn't unusual to come home from class and see a message from Rae saying "hey, come here" or for her to get the same message from me (usually we just missed each other and wanted to say hi! haha). Well, of course, whenever either one of us would see that message, we would send one back saying "what's up?" Pretty typical, right? We ALWAYS wanted to know what we were getting into before we came to each others room! Well, the day that Phil died, I sent Rachel a message that said "come here"...she was walking in my door within 30 seconds.

I kid you not.

No response back asking what I needed. No question of "what's up?" Nothing. Just a friend who, somehow, realized that I needed her. To this day, when we talk about it, she has NO idea why she didn't respond the way she normally did. She has no idea what made her rush upstairs. That day, she just knew that was what she needed to do. And that wasn't the first time something like that had happened. And it certainly wasn't the last.

To this day, it still happens. Rachel might be having a horrible day and she'll come home from work to a message that says "thanks for being my friend"...and 2 minutes later, I'll get a message saying "how did you know I needed that?" I'll be having a rough day and Rachel will send me a text saying "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!" (friends reference, anyone?) and I'll send one back saying "how did you know I needed that?" It's strange. It's unexplainable. But it's familiar. And that's the best part.

So when I say that Rachel gets me...I really mean it. The girl gets me.


All of that was to preface the following conversation that Rachel and I just had...and, with her permission, want to share...because it is us. To a T.



Melanie
I would give anything for phil to be one of the people to have survived and be telling his story :(

Rachel
that is what Nikki said about her husband
everyone feels that way

Melanie
yeah, i bet

Rachel
you are a survivor of suicide Mel....you lost a loved one. it is hard, and it isnt a group you asked to be a part of, or wanted to be a part of. its good to be at events and be around people that have gone through the same pain as you it helps in the grieving process and also to see an org that is raising awareness so we can stop the next suicide from happening
suicide sucks....

Melanie
wow, way to make a girl cry rae
haha

Rachel
i am sorry mel!!!!
i didnt mean to make you cry!!!!

Melanie
haha no it's ok! good tears

Rachel
good
well not good, but glad they arent sad tears
i am crying too damnit

Melanie
haha we're a pair, aren't we?

Rachel
TBA!

Melanie
forever!

Rachel
AND THEN SOME!

Melanie
you know it!

Rachel
:D

Melanie
can we be neighbors in Heaven? i think that would be pretty cool...

Rachel
ummm we are going to be attached at the hip in heaven yo!

I hope everyone has a friend like Rachel

saved by grace

You know those people you hear about that claim to be saved by Jesus and they just "know", they feel it...it's something they can't explain?

And then you know those other people who think the first set of people are just crazy because there's really no way to tell and they think it's never going to happen to them...they just don't get it?

Well. Turns out I used to be a part of that second group. Now, I consider myself incredibly blessed to be a part of that first group. A year ago, 6 months ago, heck, a month ago...if you told me I would be writing this post, I would have told you that you were crazy and that either there's no way to tell if you've been "saved" or that it just wasn't going to happen to me. I just didn't. get. it.

And I know this whole post will probably seem entirely crazy to a lot of people out there but you know what? I don't care! I can feel the love of Jesus. I can feel His arms around me even as I type this. I can see the change in myself--I can feel the change in myself. And I'm happy to say that I'm going to keep changing. I'm going to keep growing. And no one can bring me down.

I digress. I should probably back up a little bit. I've always read about these people who are comfortable talking about Jesus. They're comfortable raising their hands in church. They are comfortable using the phrase "Praise Jesus"...in front of people. So not me. I always wished I could profess my love like that. But the first issue was that I wasn't sure Jesus loved me. Crazy right? When I finally convinced myself that Jesus did, indeed, love me...I wasn't sure I deserved that love. Do you follow? I had all these insecurities. I've had them (about everything) my entire life. And as I'm growing up and growing more comfortable in my own skin, I've slowly let them go. But this was one I just couldn't give up. I really did not think Jesus could love me--despite everything I'd done. Every horrible thing I'd ever said to anyone. Every dirty look I gave. Every time I talked behind someone's back. Even just every time I had a mean thought about someone. Why would Jesus love me? Honestly, why me? What have I ever done to deserve the love of someone for no reason at all?

And then I thought "well, you pretty much have to be perfect to deserve Jesus' love." And, let's be honest, nobody is perfect. The thing is...Jesus knows I'm not perfect. He knows I never will be. And that's why He loves me. That doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. That doesn't mean I won't say something I would regret--but the point is, I'm more aware of what I do and what I say. I'm more conscious about what I'm putting out there into the world He created. I know I'll make mistakes. Jesus knows I'll make mistakes. But the best feeling in the world is that I know He'll forgive me. In fact, He's already forgiven me before I even make those mistakes.

And you know those crazy people I talked about who don't know how they really got saved? That's me. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know when. Obviously, I have a time frame but I could not point to a single day and say "oh yeah..that's when it happened."

This whole subject has been something that's been pressing on my heart for a long time. I had a lot of thoughts that didn't make sense. I wasn't sure what to make of the things that people were saying or the things I was feeling. But over the past few weeks, I've just hit a turning point. Maybe it's all that Christian music I've been listening to nonstop (ha!) or the fact that I'm comfortable talking about Jesus all the time to anyone. Maybe it was just me deciding that, ya know what? I'm worth it...I don't know! And, to be honest, I don't care! I am just enjoying this feeling of knowing that, if anything, Jesus is ALWAYS there for me. If I feel like I can't count on anyone else, He is always there. Ready to listen. Willing and wanting to be there for me. I think the culmination of the past few weeks was when I finally went to Phil's grave (more on that later)...it was just pure happiness. And I know that sounds strange--to be happy going to your best friend's grave..but hopefully when I get around to verbalizing my thoughts, it will make sense.

The point is...I know I'll be joining Phil in Heaven someday. A month ago, I couldn't say that and be certain about it. I hoped for it but I wasn't sure it would happen. Today, I'm positive that he will be waiting for me with open arms. And that's a really great--no--a really blessed feeling!

I trust Him

You know, I used to think believing in God and trusting in God were the same thing.

Turns out I was wrong.

I have believed in God my entire life. I love Him. I love being comforted by the fact that I will someday meet Him. I believe He has a plan for everyone and everything. I believe that God knows the ins and outs of our entire being. I believe He knows why I am where I am in my life right now. I believe He, in fact, put me in this exact place. I believe He knows what's next. I don't know but He knows—and He knew before I even existed on this Earth.

But the thing is—while I have always believed in God, I just could never fully trust Him. I digress. I couldn't trust myself—and because I couldn't trust myself, I couldn't allow myself to trust Him. Which is crazy, right? How can you believe in someone and not trust them? How can you believe that they have a plan for you but not trust in that very plan?

How could I?

The honest answer is 'I don't know'. I really don't. All I know now is that I do trust God. I trust Him completely and unabashedly. I trust in His plan for me. I trust that He is guiding me in the right direction. I trust my future in His hands. I trust Him with my life.

I've never been able to say that honestly before. You know, because back then I thought belief and trust were the same thing. Turns out I was wrong. But it's never felt so good to figure out the right.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and
the truth and the life.”
John 14:6

Begin each day on purpose

Do you know what a difference it makes when you begin each day on purpose?

When you wake up in the morning and choose to be happy? Make an effort to look for the positive all day long? When you don't let the negative stuff take a hold of you?

It is absolutely amazing to me how much your perspective on life changes when you wake up and tell yourself that you're going to make the best of it. As much as some people argue otherwise, I truly feel that putting a simple smile on your face can change everything.


That's all. :)

it takes a little time sometimes

So on my way home from Stef and Greg's tonight, I was listening to a cd I had made. And I've had this cd in my car for a couple days and have listened to this song without thought. However, today as I was driving home, I really listened to the lyrics, and a sort of peace came over me and I realized that everything is happening as it should be. God has a plan for me and, while I don't understand it yet, it will all make sense eventually. Anyways, onto the lyrics...



It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

What's this walking through my door
I know I've seen the look before
Sometimes in faces on the street
Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me
You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey
It don't take a lot to know

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

Now it may not be over by morning
But Rome wasn't bulit in a day
You can name this thing a thousand times
But it won't make it go away
Let me put my arms around you
And hold you while you weep
We've been talking and talking
I'm sick of this talk
And it's nothing that won't keep

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
Give it time

Amy Grant

frustration could be setting in...

Soo...two days ago, I wrote a post and never actually posted it. I re-read it today and I'm not entirely happy but I'm still going to post it so you can see how I got from point A(my old post) to point B (my new post). Here's what I wrote initially:

I really feel like asking for help is just a waste of my time. Truly. Everyone always says God won't give you anything you can't handle. Well, guess what everyone? That's a load of crap. I couldn't handle losing one job, let alone two. I could handle the ditch but not the car accident. And ya know what, I even shelved my pride when I had to borrow a loan from someone close to me...but now this? (oh "this", by the way, is the fact that I just put $700 into my car to fix it A WEEK AGO and it won't start again). It's ridiculous. Are you listening God? Because you're making it REAL hard to trust you and believe in you. Haven't I had enough? I mean, come on, at least spread the troubles around. Give me time to recover from the last thing you "thought I could handle."



I know, right? I'm not exactly proud of writing that. But at the same time, I was really frustrated and that's exactly what I was feeling at the time--and if you can't be honest with God, then who can you be honest with? I know that whatever we're going through, God can handle it. I know that no matter how mad I am at God, He can handle it. I know that, even though I shouldn't, if I blame my problems on God, it's okay because He can handle it. And I know that even if I feel like I can't handle something God gives me, He can handle it for me. Even if I falter in my trust in Him, He can handle it. It doesn't always make sense to me. It doesn't always make me feel better. But the bottom line is, whether I feel like God is there or not, He is. And as long as I remember that, I'll be okay. It might not be what I want. It might not even be what I need. I may not be happy. But at least I'll be okay. That's all we really need right? To know that we'll be okay?

On that note, would it be nice to know that my hard work in finding a job is paying off? Absolutely. Would it be nice to not have any more car troubles for awhile (since I've, ya know, had my fair share recently)? Definitely. So, if you think of it, could you throw in a prayer that I find a job soon? I know there are so many people out there who need your prayers more than I do, but if you think of it, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Job 1:21

Watch this video. I guarantee you, you will *not* be able to get through it without crying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

quite possibly the best picture I've ever made...

Life is a journey...it can take you anywhere you choose to go

I came to a realization today. And it's something I've known for a long time--I just chose to ignore it.

I try to take the easy way out.
Every single time.

That stops today.

The year 2009 is the year I will look back on and remember as the year I changed my life and became the person I always wanted (and knew I could) be.

I will work hard to find a job. I will lose weight. I will become healthier. I will pay back 'Pierre-Marc Bouchard'. I will pay off my credit cards entirely. I will give my all in everything. I will give myself over to God completely. I will make things happen for myself instead of expecting someone else to do it for me. I know I can do it.


Starting tomorrow.
Just kidding :)

December 31, 2009, I will look back

on this post and I will be able to say

the words "I did it." And that will feel phenomenal.

80%

NeW yEaRs ReSoLuTiOnS!

1. Find a Bible that will encourage and motivate me to read and learn more about God and myself.

2. Read said Bible on a regular basis

3. Find a long-term career that I enjoy and that makes me a better person.

4. Pay off my credit cards.

5. Continue to find budget-cutting ideas.

6. Stick to my budget and hopefully come in under budget in as many areas as I can as often as possible.

7. Realize that I can't do everything! (this may be the hardest...)

8. Lose a certain amount of weight. (I know the number in my head but I'm too embarrassed to say it here!)

9. Eat healthier.

10. Exercise more.

11. Pay off my new car.

12. Trust that God will reveal His plans for me in terms of a job, an apartment, and a car.

13. Fully and completely trust in God and His plans for me whether I understand them or not.




What are your New Years Resolutions?




"If you get 80% out of what you're hoping for,
that's pretty good."

homesick

Hey buddy,
You know that feeling where some days are just really worse than others? I'm kind of at a loss for words right now (literally--I just sat staring at the computer screen for 3 minutes) and I think it's because I'm not sure what else to say besides I miss you. And I don't exactly know how to fully express how much I miss you. I miss you every day. It's not a new feeling to me. I've lived with this hole in my heart for the past 4 years. I'm, dare I say, used to this feeling. But sometimes (like today), I just see a picture of you and it becomes hard to breathe. I see your beautiful blue eyes and would do anything to look into them in person. I see your huge grin and I wish I could say the stupidest thing to make you smile. If God gave me the chance to see you again, I can guarantee you I would not waste a second. The thing is, I know that won't happen until my time is up here on Earth. And I've come to terms with that. I've dealt with it. And I understand it. But that doesn't mean that on days like today, I can't wish you were here sitting next to me watching Con Air something much cooler than Con Air. On days like today, I feel like I can't go another day, much less the next 40,50,60 years without seeing you, touching you, hearing your voice. I wonder how I'm going to manage. How I'm going to fall asleep tonight knowing that instead of sitting right next to me, you're looking down on me. But somehow I do. And I wake up the next day still missing you. But somehow it's not quite as bad as it was the night before. The one thing that keeps me going is that I know you're happy. I know you're having the time of your life. I just wish I was with you and could see you happy. I wish I was having the time of my life right next to you having the time of your life.

That's all. I just really missed you and I thought you should know. I miss you like crazy. I love you every single day. You're my favorite person in the world--that will never change. And I can't wait to see you!

Love,
Mels

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me
::jars of clay::

remember that car in the ditch...

yeah, that car is gone.

When was I in the ditch? 3 1/2 weeks ago?? Apparantly my luck hasn't turned yet. God is really testing me. And as much as I want to say "bring it on G-O-D!" I'm afraid I can't. I know God only gives you things you can handle but I'm really at my breaking point. It's like He's saying "I know you had trouble believing in me and I know that you are fully giving yourself over to me...so let's just test you and make sure you stick around." Well guess what big guy? I'm not going anywhere! Is it rough? Sure is. Am I majorly stressing because not only will I be unemployed in a week but I'm now carless--and how in the heck am I going to get a job if I don't have a car to get to interviews? Absolutely. I might be at my breaking point but that doesn't mean I'm going to break. I'm going to take whatever God gives me as hard as it is to handle.

For those that are confused, I'll give you the short story. Picked up Cat this morning. Got on 36. Crashed into a car that had already crashed into a van that had already crashed into a car. Got it? That would make me the, yes, fourth car in that accident. Right after my car crashed, the state patrol showed up and blocked off 36 so if you were watching the news and heard about the accident that shut down 36...yeah...I was in there. Cat's okay, thank God. We're both a little sore and our backs are really stiff but if that's the worst that happened to us, I think we're in pretty good shape. As much as I sit here and dwell on the fact that I no longer have a car, I am alive and that counts for something right?

With that said, I have a message for you, big guy up above: "I'll take whatever you give me and I'll handle it as best as I can. If you decide that you're not done testing me yet, then I say it bring it on. But I would also like you to know that I'm not giving up on you--much like I don't want you to give up on me. So, you can keep pouring it on if you'd like, but if you've had enough, then I think I've had enough too. A little good luck Some of God's amazing grace would hit the spot right about now. Thanks."

speaking of prayer...

I'm kind of new to the whole 'prayer' thing. I mean, I've had the occasional conversation with God but it generally was along the lines of "hey, big guy...if you do this for me, then I'll like totally believe in you."

Sometimes it was just a simple "help (insert name including my own) out."

Or, if I really got myself out of my comfort zone, I'd say something like, "So...maybe you could like look after so and so. K see ya."


So as you can see, I am an incredibly inexperienced prayer. I do the occasional dinner prayer, the holiday prayers, the prayers in church. But at dinner, someone else always says it or it's the normal dinner prayer that you learn when you're about 2. At church, you just read along. Yeah, there's silent prayer...but during that silent prayer, I'm usually, ya know, silent. I just have no idea how to go about prayer. And I will be completely honest with you--I feel really silly and awkward when I try. When I know that other people have things going on in their lives and I should pray or when someone specifically asks me to pray, I try. And I usually get something out. It's just not really what I'm thinking. I mean, how hard is it to just ask God exactly what you're thinking? Apparently for me it's pretty difficult.

I could sit and have a conversation with someone (i.e. with Stefanie today about baby Bella and how God can create miracles and how we all hope and pray he's gonna pull one out.) I can convey to Stefanie exactly what I want to convey to God. But when I sit and try to tell God exactly what I told someone else, I feel weird. A little silly. A little judged (by who, God? Ridiculous. I know. As if God is going to tell me my prayer wasn't good enough.) And a lot self conscious. I'm just not sure how to get past that feeling of awkwardness when I'm trying to talk to God.

Maybe it's because--in my head--prayer is completely different than conversation. And I need to realize it's not. Maybe even though I realize that prayer is simply a conversation with God, it's a one-sided conversation and I feel weird because no one is talking back to me in the way that a physical being would had they been sitting right next to me or talking to me on the phone. I know God knows what it's in my head and I know He knows whats in my heart. I also know that I don't have to tell Him for Him to know. He simply knows. But I hear all about the power of prayer and prayer warriors. And that's a club I want to join. I want to be able to tell someone I prayed for them without feeling 'geeky' or 'silly' or 'self-conscious'.

Is this a completely strange thought process to everyone out there? Am I going to be embarrassed that I admitted to the world that I simply don't know how to pray? Or have other people struggled with this same thing? And if so, how did you get past all the weirdness you felt and just stripped down before God?

revelation numero uno

I expect things. *gasp* Not in an obvious, selfish, give-it-to-me-now kind of way. But in the "I think I've been pretty good and God could throw me a ball here and just help me get to first base" kind of way. I strike out all over the place. I've screwed up more things than I care to count. At times, I haven't worked as hard as I should have or could have. And despite having the knowledge of all this, I still expect things. I fall in the 95% of Americans who feel they are entitled to something-but who knows what? But I also fall in the .000001% of Americans who feel that way and can admit it.

Part of my hesitation of accepting God has to do with the fact that I didn't feel he gave me enough. I know, right? How ridiculous. God gave me life. God gave me wonderful parents (4 of them to be exact--double what everyone else gets). God gave me absolutely wonderful siblings. A devilishly handsome nephew and a beautiful peanut of a niece. He gave me the most fantastic friends a girl could ask for. But I wanted more.

I wanted the boyfriend. I wanted the great job. I wanted an apartment (or...ya know...that really cool house). I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. I wanted possessions that I didn't don't need. I wanted all the things that everybody wants. And I wanted them handed to me. I could work for them. But did I want to? Why would I when I have such an amazing God who, based on everything I'd been told about Him, could give me those things if He so chose??

I have always been grateful for everything I have. I've been gracious and accepting and thankful and appreciative. But somewhere, back in that part of my head I can't (or didn't want?) to control, these thoughts were milling around. And I kept thinking "listen up God...if you just give me this one thing that I really really want, then I'll know you're real and I can believe." Guess what? God didn't give me what I wanted, He still hasn't given me everything I want. He's teaching me to trust in Him and believe in Him regardless of whether I "get" the things I want or not. This is lesson number one. No matter what happens in your life, God will always be there for you. And until you choose to accept that and believe in that, God is not going to give you what you want. In fact, God's never going to just hand you what you want. His purpose is to teach us to work for the things we want. While He has the ability to hand us whatever we want, He won't do it because what does that teach us? Absolutely nothing.

So while my thoughts may occasionally still shift to "come on God...just that one thing"...I hope He doesn't give it to me. Well. Scratch that. I hope He does give it to me--but only AFTER I've proven that I earned it and that I deserve it.

Everybody wants. It's the most natural thing in the world for anybody--whether they give millions to charity every year or are the most selfish person in the world. EVERYBODY wants. But the distinction must come when you realize you may want something...but that does *not* mean you are entitled to it. When that lesson is learned, only great things can come. Great things that God (already) has planned for you.

ready for big things

Recently someone told me I should let God love me. (ok so the lyrics to a song told me that but really who's keeping track?) The bottom line is...I think I'm about ready.

So the content of this post is something I've been thinking about for a really long time--and honestly, I've been trying to put it into the right words for a long time. Some of this may not make sense--and some of it might not make sense right away but later on, it will. and I'm going to give you a fair warning: I'm going to be all over the place and this post might be a little long.

I think I just need to come out and say what I want to say and then add in the rest after. I have always been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby. I went to Sunday School every Sunday. I was confirmed in high school. I celebrated Christmas and Easter and all the 'church holidays' in between. In high school, I was at church every Wednesday and Sunday. Sometimes more. I knew Jesus existed. I knew God was real. I believed in the Bible. I was, by every account, a 'normal' Christian.

Yet I still had doubts. Did Jesus really exist? How do I know God is real? What has he ever done for me? I would think about all of the things I had been through and I would think "what did I do to deserve this?" Don't get me wrong, I knew there were people in the world who were suffering more than me. I knew there were millions of people whose lives were so much harder than mine. But that also added to the doubt I had. How can a merciful God create all these situations? How can he allow good people to die so young? How can he create hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes that kill thousands of people? How can he allow so many people in the world to live so luxuriously while there are hundreds of thousands of little children who don't get to eat every single day or don't have a roof over their head? It was never hard for me to acknowledge God. But it was hard for me to BELIEVE in him. Do you see the distinction?

As time went on, I was slowly making my way towards fulling giving myself over to God. And then my best friend died. The person who, to me (and probably everyone else that knew him), was indestructable. The person who got into accident after accident and did dangerous things and yet, nothing. ever. happened. He persevered. Nothing could happen to him. He had been there for me through thick and thin every single day of my life since we were four. I talked to him every single day. I saw him every single day in high school (including holidays--seriously, you might have found us in the movie theater on Thanksgiving and Christmas night--it was just something we did). He was the person who would know if something was wrong the second he heard my voice. He made me happy when I was sad. He calmed me down when I was upset. He made me laugh when I needed it most. This is the kid that taught me to drive, for heavens sake! And in an instant, he was taken away. I know HE did it. I know Phil did it. But it was God's plan. This was always God's plan for Phil. I just wanted to know why. And when that happened, I seriously questioned my faith in God. And I questioned it for a long time.

I don't question it anymore. If you haven't noticed, a lot of my blogs lately have been talking about God. Or mentioning Him in some way. It's because I want Him to be a part of everything I do. I want Him to know that I trust Him, that His plans are good enough for me. I want Him to know that my faith revolves around Him and what He has designed. I fully trust in my God. And I want the world to know that.

Now onto the scariest part (for me) of this post. The reason it took me so long to write this post is because I fear judgment. I fear people judging me for my thoughts and feelings. I don't want anyone who reads this to think I'm fake. And I'm scared that because I'm consciously changing, people are going to misinterpret that as fakiness. And I know that when it comes down to it, I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. But it's such a normal fear. I don't want to be judged for something that is so important to me. For something that has completely changed me and will continue to change me forever. For something that has made me a better person. I hope anyone who reads this takes my words to heart and gives me a chance to prove myself (not that I should have to) before judging me.

I want to live the rest of my life praising God for everything He has done for us. For everything that He continues to do for us. I want to live my life helping others. I want to know that I can make a difference. I want to know that my best friend did not die without purpose and reason. I want to believe in the fact that Phil is well taken care of by the best Father one could ask for. I want to know that I WILL see Phil again and I want to believe that I will meet my Savior one day. I want to stop judging people and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to realize that what other people think of me is the least of my worries. And I want to realize that what God thinks of me is my biggest concern and my biggest joy. I want to make Him proud. I want Him to be able to smile down at me every single day. And when I finally leave this earth, I want to meet God and the only thing I want to hear Him say is how proud of me He is.

I want to let God love me. All of me and nothing less.

props to the big guy and his right hand man

Before you begin reading, I want you to know that you're not going to understand a whole lot of this post until you read the next one. Well, you're not going to understand all of the God-loving going on at least!

I went to Winona this weekend to celebrate Ali's birthday. As I was driving home on Sunday, my car hit a patch of black ice on the highway. Thank God there was no one else on the highway around me because my car fish-tailed a little bit and then spun around 4 times. Had a car been behind me or even within a few hundred feet on the highway, I'm sure I would have been hit. After the last spin, my car was headed toward the ditch--at first, I thought my car was going to roll--the ditch was pretty steep and pretty deep (yay rhyming?). For some unknown reason (i.e. someone looking out for me from above), my car headed nose first down the embankment instead of rolling. I stopped about 25 feet down the ditch and just sat there for a minute thinking "what just happened?"

This is going to sound over-dramatic but I'll be honest, it was EXACTLY what went through my head as I was spinning around on the highway. When I thought I was going to roll over the edge, I remember thinking to myself "I don't want to die. I don't want to die yet." The most ironic thing about that thought is, for so long after Phil died, I remember sitting in my room and crying and telling God that I was ready and that he could take me and I just wanted to die and be with Phil. So the fact that the first thought that popped into my head was "I dont' want to die" made me realize A LOT of things. I knew I didn't want to die but I've never consciously sat down and thought about it since the months after Phil's death. I kid you not and I exaggerate not when I say that I literally thought my car was going to roll. Someone HAD to be looking out for me. Maybe it was God. Maybe it was Phil. Maybe it was Grandma or Grandpa. I don't know. But there's no way that my car would have, not only not rolled, but been completely undamaged and myself completely unhurt unless there was someone who was watching over me. So, to whoever it was, thank you. All I'm going to say is: if I wasn't completely ready to let God love me, yesterday would have changed everything. Instead, yesterday just confirms everything. (Again, read the post above this is you're confused.)