Monday, December 22, 2008

speaking of prayer...

I'm kind of new to the whole 'prayer' thing. I mean, I've had the occasional conversation with God but it generally was along the lines of "hey, big guy...if you do this for me, then I'll like totally believe in you."

Sometimes it was just a simple "help (insert name including my own) out."

Or, if I really got myself out of my comfort zone, I'd say something like, "So...maybe you could like look after so and so. K see ya."

So as you can see, I am an incredibly inexperienced prayer. I do the occasional dinner prayer, the holiday prayers, the prayers in church. But at dinner, someone else always says it or it's the normal dinner prayer that you learn when you're about 2. At church, you just read along. Yeah, there's silent prayer...but during that silent prayer, I'm usually, ya know, silent. I just have no idea how to go about prayer. And I will be completely honest with you--I feel really silly and awkward when I try. When I know that other people have things going on in their lives and I should pray or when someone specifically asks me to pray, I try. And I usually get something out. It's just not really what I'm thinking. I mean, how hard is it to just ask God exactly what you're thinking? Apparently for me it's pretty difficult.

I could sit and have a conversation with someone (i.e. with Stefanie today about baby Bella and how God can create miracles and how we all hope and pray he's gonna pull one out.) I can convey to Stefanie exactly what I want to convey to God. But when I sit and try to tell God exactly what I told someone else, I feel weird. A little silly. A little judged (by who, God? Ridiculous. I know. As if God is going to tell me my prayer wasn't good enough.) And a lot self conscious. I'm just not sure how to get past that feeling of awkwardness when I'm trying to talk to God.

Maybe it's because--in my head--prayer is completely different than conversation. And I need to realize it's not. Maybe even though I realize that prayer is simply a conversation with God, it's a one-sided conversation and I feel weird because no one is talking back to me in the way that a physical being would had they been sitting right next to me or talking to me on the phone. I know God knows what it's in my head and I know He knows whats in my heart. I also know that I don't have to tell Him for Him to know. He simply knows. But I hear all about the power of prayer and prayer warriors. And that's a club I want to join. I want to be able to tell someone I prayed for them without feeling 'geeky' or 'silly' or 'self-conscious'.

Is this a completely strange thought process to everyone out there? Am I going to be embarrassed that I admitted to the world that I simply don't know how to pray? Or have other people struggled with this same thing? And if so, how did you get past all the weirdness you felt and just stripped down before God?


Leslie said...

Hi! I've been in and out of religion my whole life and whenever I start to go back it is awkward for me to pray. I just start out saying God, thank you for the blessings you have given me (n maybe specify a few) and then just start talking (in my mind, I don't say my prayers out loud bc its always been a very personal thing to me) about what or who I want to pray about. I don't know if I will ever be able to say a personal prayer out loud and I think/hope God is okay with that. He knows the message is for him lol. maybe I'm wrong but I don't think there is a set way you HAVE to pray, do whatever feels comfortable for you and God to have a "conversation". God is suppose to love us more than anything and I believe he is a loving, caring and forgiving God. As long as you go to him with good intentions he will be pleased for the effort! (I hope lol)

colesGodmommy said...

Thanks! That really helps! I always wondered what it was like for everyone else...I know everyone prays in different ways but it's nice to hear, personally, from someone else. I checked out your profile and would love to keep up with you through your blog but noticed it was private...if you're comfortable with it, I would love an invite. :) Have a good new years!