Recently someone told me I should let God love me. (ok so the lyrics to a song told me that but really who's keeping track?) The bottom line is...I think I'm about ready.
So the content of this post is something I've been thinking about for a really long time--and honestly, I've been trying to put it into the right words for a long time. Some of this may not make sense--and some of it might not make sense right away but later on, it will. and I'm going to give you a fair warning: I'm going to be all over the place and this post might be a little long.
I think I just need to come out and say what I want to say and then add in the rest after. I have always been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby. I went to Sunday School every Sunday. I was confirmed in high school. I celebrated Christmas and Easter and all the 'church holidays' in between. In high school, I was at church every Wednesday and Sunday. Sometimes more. I knew Jesus existed. I knew God was real. I believed in the Bible. I was, by every account, a 'normal' Christian.
Yet I still had doubts. Did Jesus really exist? How do I know God is real? What has he ever done for me? I would think about all of the things I had been through and I would think "what did I do to deserve this?" Don't get me wrong, I knew there were people in the world who were suffering more than me. I knew there were millions of people whose lives were so much harder than mine. But that also added to the doubt I had. How can a merciful God create all these situations? How can he allow good people to die so young? How can he create hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes that kill thousands of people? How can he allow so many people in the world to live so luxuriously while there are hundreds of thousands of little children who don't get to eat every single day or don't have a roof over their head? It was never hard for me to acknowledge God. But it was hard for me to BELIEVE in him. Do you see the distinction?
As time went on, I was slowly making my way towards fulling giving myself over to God. And then my best friend died. The person who, to me (and probably everyone else that knew him), was indestructable. The person who got into accident after accident and did dangerous things and yet, nothing. ever. happened. He persevered. Nothing could happen to him. He had been there for me through thick and thin every single day of my life since we were four. I talked to him every single day. I saw him every single day in high school (including holidays--seriously, you might have found us in the movie theater on Thanksgiving and Christmas night--it was just something we did). He was the person who would know if something was wrong the second he heard my voice. He made me happy when I was sad. He calmed me down when I was upset. He made me laugh when I needed it most. This is the kid that taught me to drive, for heavens sake! And in an instant, he was taken away. I know HE did it. I know Phil did it. But it was God's plan. This was always God's plan for Phil. I just wanted to know why. And when that happened, I seriously questioned my faith in God. And I questioned it for a long time.
I don't question it anymore. If you haven't noticed, a lot of my blogs lately have been talking about God. Or mentioning Him in some way. It's because I want Him to be a part of everything I do. I want Him to know that I trust Him, that His plans are good enough for me. I want Him to know that my faith revolves around Him and what He has designed. I fully trust in my God. And I want the world to know that.
Now onto the scariest part (for me) of this post. The reason it took me so long to write this post is because I fear judgment. I fear people judging me for my thoughts and feelings. I don't want anyone who reads this to think I'm fake. And I'm scared that because I'm consciously changing, people are going to misinterpret that as fakiness. And I know that when it comes down to it, I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. But it's such a normal fear. I don't want to be judged for something that is so important to me. For something that has completely changed me and will continue to change me forever. For something that has made me a better person. I hope anyone who reads this takes my words to heart and gives me a chance to prove myself (not that I should have to) before judging me.
I want to live the rest of my life praising God for everything He has done for us. For everything that He continues to do for us. I want to live my life helping others. I want to know that I can make a difference. I want to know that my best friend did not die without purpose and reason. I want to believe in the fact that Phil is well taken care of by the best Father one could ask for. I want to know that I WILL see Phil again and I want to believe that I will meet my Savior one day. I want to stop judging people and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to realize that what other people think of me is the least of my worries. And I want to realize that what God thinks of me is my biggest concern and my biggest joy. I want to make Him proud. I want Him to be able to smile down at me every single day. And when I finally leave this earth, I want to meet God and the only thing I want to hear Him say is how proud of me He is.
I want to let God love me. All of me and nothing less.