Friday, December 12, 2008

revelation numero uno

I expect things. *gasp* Not in an obvious, selfish, give-it-to-me-now kind of way. But in the "I think I've been pretty good and God could throw me a ball here and just help me get to first base" kind of way. I strike out all over the place. I've screwed up more things than I care to count. At times, I haven't worked as hard as I should have or could have. And despite having the knowledge of all this, I still expect things. I fall in the 95% of Americans who feel they are entitled to something-but who knows what? But I also fall in the .000001% of Americans who feel that way and can admit it.

Part of my hesitation of accepting God has to do with the fact that I didn't feel he gave me enough. I know, right? How ridiculous. God gave me life. God gave me wonderful parents (4 of them to be exact--double what everyone else gets). God gave me absolutely wonderful siblings. A devilishly handsome nephew and a beautiful peanut of a niece. He gave me the most fantastic friends a girl could ask for. But I wanted more.

I wanted the boyfriend. I wanted the great job. I wanted an apartment (or...ya know...that really cool house). I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. I wanted possessions that I didn't don't need. I wanted all the things that everybody wants. And I wanted them handed to me. I could work for them. But did I want to? Why would I when I have such an amazing God who, based on everything I'd been told about Him, could give me those things if He so chose??

I have always been grateful for everything I have. I've been gracious and accepting and thankful and appreciative. But somewhere, back in that part of my head I can't (or didn't want?) to control, these thoughts were milling around. And I kept thinking "listen up God...if you just give me this one thing that I really really want, then I'll know you're real and I can believe." Guess what? God didn't give me what I wanted, He still hasn't given me everything I want. He's teaching me to trust in Him and believe in Him regardless of whether I "get" the things I want or not. This is lesson number one. No matter what happens in your life, God will always be there for you. And until you choose to accept that and believe in that, God is not going to give you what you want. In fact, God's never going to just hand you what you want. His purpose is to teach us to work for the things we want. While He has the ability to hand us whatever we want, He won't do it because what does that teach us? Absolutely nothing.

So while my thoughts may occasionally still shift to "come on God...just that one thing"...I hope He doesn't give it to me. Well. Scratch that. I hope He does give it to me--but only AFTER I've proven that I earned it and that I deserve it.

Everybody wants. It's the most natural thing in the world for anybody--whether they give millions to charity every year or are the most selfish person in the world. EVERYBODY wants. But the distinction must come when you realize you may want something...but that does *not* mean you are entitled to it. When that lesson is learned, only great things can come. Great things that God (already) has planned for you.

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