5 years*

A little less than five years ago--in fact, exactly 4 years and 361 days ago, I sat in my pastor's house..sobbing..because the day before I had buried my best friend. On the way home from her house, I heard the song 'Broken' by Seether for the first time.

Tonight (or I guess I should say, early this morning), I drove home from that same house. As I was going through my ipod finding a song to listen to, the same Seether song came on.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I used to believe in coincidences. Slowly, after Phil died, I came to realize that there was no such thing as a coincidence. I had seen too much--too many signs--to think that they weren't little messages from Phil to get me through life. After I mentioned one of these signs to my pastor and used the word 'coincidence', she said "Mel, I don't think that coincidences exist. Especially in this case. I like to call them 'Godincidences'." I know...funny word right? But it's totally true. These moments were carefully planned out by God...they didn't just simply happen for no reason.

And I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I don't think that song just happened to come up on my ipod. I think that was one of those messages from Phil. He wanted me to remember 5 years ago. He wanted me to remember that conversation with Sarah and that drive home. He wanted me to remember that he's still with me.

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome

Lest we forget, after 5 years, that Phil is still with us. He isn't forgotten, not in the least. As the time goes on, I learn more and more from my best friend, my guardian angel. There still isn't a day that I don't think of him. In fact, I don't think there will ever be a day that he doesn't cross my mind at least once. My memories are all that I have left--but what memories they are!

And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

As I was explaining to a friend the other day who is going through a hard situation, right away the bad days were the only thing that existed. I cried for months. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I couldn't focus on anything except that unbearable pain in my stomach, in my heart, in my head. His absence was all I thought about. The bad days consumed me. But as time went on, the bad days came less and less often. And as those bad days lessened, the good ones increased...until slowly, I realized that I was having more good days than bad days. There's no doubt in my mind that Phil got me through that period of incredible grief and sadness. He wasn't here physically..but he was in my head and in my heart all the time.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

That's exactly how it felt too. I could breathe again. I wasn't gasping for air, I wasn't drowning in sadness and tears. Five years ago, five years seemed like an impossible feat. I was sure that I would never make it that far. I was sure that I could never make it to this point. Today, five years seems...right? Five years seems ok. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Five years is not what I thought it would be.

There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight

So when I hear that Seether song...my heart doesn't beat a little bit faster anymore. It doesn't remember that day at Sarah's house with sadness. It certainly still makes me think of Phil. It always will. But I can listen to that song--really listen to those lyrics--and instead of making me cry, I can smile, listen, and realize how far I've come.

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I'm strong enough
Cuz' I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

Do I still feel broken sometimes? Sure. Do I feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with this on certain days? Absolutely. Will it ever feel right that he's gone? Nope. But those broken and weak days really do make me that much stronger on every other day.