Tuesday, February 24, 2009

thing 2

...what to do with the rest of my life.

I wish i was one of those people who knew exactly what they wanted to be. But I don't. Do I like being a nanny? Yes. But, during this period of unemployment, I've come to the conclusion that i truly have no idea what I want to be. There are two things I've always felt destined to be. A mother and a writer. Well, I'm not a mother yet and I'm sure it's going to be at least a few years until I am. On to the second thing. I am a writer. I've been a writer for years...pretty much since I learned how to write. However, i want to take my writing and become an author. Don't get me wrong: I'm working on it. But it's not like a regular profession; writing a book takes a long time. And during that time, you don't get paid (unless of course you're a fabulous, already-established writer). Also, just because you write a book doesn't mean it's good. Even if it's good, that doesn't mean it will get published. And even if it gets published, that doesn't mean people will buy it. See where I'm going with this? Just because I WANT to be an author, that doesn't guarantee my success at it. And it doesn't guarantee that I can provide for myself (and my future family).

Again, see where I'm going with this? What do I do in the mean time?

Most people know exactly what they want to do when they're done with college. (In fact, most people know what they want to do--or at least have a pretty certain idea--by the time they enter college). And even if they don't get their dream job right away, they at least get a job they enjoy. This brings me back to square one. I really really enjoy being a nanny--I truly do. But I also have this dream where (before I become a mom of course) I work in an office with co-workers who are, ya know...adults. Maybe not even an office--but at least some type of business where I interact with adults vs. babies all day. Am I making any sense or does it seem like I'm contradicting myself since I said my biggest dream was to be a mom (and being a mom revolves around babies)?

I don't know. I do want to be a mom. And once I get married & have kids, God-willing, I would love to stay at home and be a mom. But since I'm not a mom now and won't be for awhile, I feel like the best place for me to be is at a job where I can interact with other adults. I don't know why but I feel like God is pushing me in that direction.

The problem that remains, however, is the only interviews I seem to be getting are for nanny positions. And while, at this point, i would take anything that was offered to me, I just feel like God is pulling me in a direction away from nannying. When I came home from school in December of 2007, I hadn't finished college. And truthfully, I didn't try as hard as I should have--and could have--to find a job. Looking back I realized I couldn't be upset at not finding a job because I wasn't putting my all into it. I was trying--just not hard enough.
And now that I am finished with school and am looking, the economy has only gotten ten times worse. And what's frustrating is that I AM trying very hard to find a job now. Not only have I been applying to literally hundreds of jobs a week, but I'm making phone calls, sending e-mails--it's just all to no avail. The bottom line is there are more qualified people out there. More experienced people out there who have lost their job and are looking as well.

It's just frustrating because I don't deserve a job more than the rest of the unemployment population. And I know other people have it worse and have been unemployed a lot longer. But, truthfully, saying that still doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. I started going in one direction and ended three miles from there. All I know is I'm frustrated and dejected. (too strong of a word?)

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