Monday, February 23, 2009

thing 1...

*disclaimer* This post might be all over the map because, even as I'm writing, I'm not entirely sure how to say what I want to say.

I have a genuinely happy demeanor. I smile a lot. I laugh more. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but I can tell a HUGE difference in my happiness levels on days I smile and laugh more. (Do I sound completely weird yet?) The reason I say this is because I feel like, ever since Phil died, I haven't allowed myself to let go and just be completely happy. Don't get me wrong. I have fun. And I do consider myself happy (albeit, I'll admit I've been happier considering the current state of things--i.e. no job, new car to pay for--you get the idea). But generally, I'm "happy". I know that life itself is a great gift to be given. And I know that Phil doesn't want any of his friends or family to be unhappy--especially on his account. I also know that God has bigger plans for me than to dwell on this and let it affect my every day life. I think God has a wonderful combination that will allow me to love life and miss Phil at the same time. I just haven't quite figured out what that combination is yet.

Let me backstep a little bit and explain how I got to this point. There are days when i find myself happier than usual--days when I'm just really having a blast with family & friends. Those are the days that I find myself falling hard at the end of the night--missing Phil more than normal. It's like I feel guilty for being happy. I forget for a second that he's gone and let myself really have fun. And then I crash later because I miss him like crazy and wish he was there.

The thing is, I know he's the happiest of all of us because he's in Heaven. I know he's not hurting. I know he's smiling & laughing, having the time of his life eternity?? And I know he wants me to be the happiest I've ever been. I just don't know how to get there.

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