Anger, party of 1

Today I get to be mad.

Every day, I wake up and I get to miss you. I get to wish you were here. I get to wish I could call you up and ask you simple things like how your day has been or what you want to do tonight. I get to remember the past--all of the beautiful memories we had along with the horrendously painful ones. I get to remember what life was like with you in it. I get to be happy that I knew you for as long as I did. I get to remember the 2am water balloon fight in my backyard. I get to do all those things. Every day.

And yes, I do consider each and every one of those things a privilege. Want to know why? Because by being able to do all of those things, it meant that you existed. That you lived. You were real, you weren't always just a memory. And to know that God loved me enough to put you in my life for as long as He did? That, my friend, is a privilege.

But today? Today I get to do something I don't do very often. Today I get to be mad at you. Today I have to miss you. Today I have to wish you were here. Today I don't get to remember what life was like with you in it but I have to acknowledge what life is like without you. I'm not happy for knowing you; today, I'm sad because I don't get to know you anymore. I don't have a clue what 26 year old you would be like.

In theory, I don't like the idea of being mad at you. I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that you felt you had no other choice. That you didn't realize how many people loved you--or that you would be hurting every single one of them. For those reasons, I don't feel like I can be mad at you. Everyone says I can; that it's "normal"...but, for me, for my own healing purposes, and in order to forgive you, being angry isn't generally an option. I can't change the past. I can't change the fact that I don't hear your voice every day. It is what it is. Because of that, I choose to love.

But, every once in awhile, I let the anger out. I get to kick and scream that life isn't fair. That you were too young. That you're an idiot for taking your own life--and, in essence, bits and pieces of everyone that knew you. I get to be mad that you hurt me. I get to be mad that you hurt people I love. I get to be mad that you were only thinking about yourself that morning and not thinking about the repercussions your actions were going to have on every single person you'd ever met. I get to be mad that, because of you, some relationships I had will never be the same. The thing is...I think you're ok with that. Wherever you are...whoever you're with...whatever you're doing--you know I'm mad and you know it's ok.

Tomorrow will be better. I'll wake up and I'll get to miss you. It will be a privilege tomorrow.

But today? Today I get to be mad.

back in action...for today at least

well....it's been a solid 4 months :)

I decided I better update--mostly because I want to remember this story forever...and what better way to preserve it?

Tonight, Stef and Greg went over to Scott and Court's new house to help them paint so they could move in this weekend--so I had Cole and Lace all night..my favorite pastime :) Quick back story: when I tell Cole I love him, I always say "I love you so much" and he always repeats it back to me...tonight, as I was tucking him in to bed, completely unprompted, he looked up at me and said "I love you so much auntie!"...what a great way to end the night!

But wait. It gets better.

I went upstairs and listened to Cole on the monitor as he talks for awhile after getting tucked in. I heard quite a few AUNTIE!'s..and didn't give in (as much as I wanted to!)...he was quiet for a couple minutes and then I heard "But auntie, I REALLY love you!"

Well, who can say no to that?! So, of course, I headed downstairs and snuggle buggled for a half hour! I'm not one to pass up an opportunity like that :)

the one where I sound like a nerd and give you permission to laugh at me :)

Ok so. This will probably sound crazy...and it's totally understandable...because, honestly..most people won't completely get my excitement.

I don't even know that I'll accurately be able to describe it without sounding giddy or ridiculous or dorky or (enter adjective). Ever since I started posting on craigslist and especially since I made my facebook page, I just have been sooooo excited with all the interest in my photography! I literally smile every time someone asks me to do their pictures or leaves a comment on my page or e-mails me to do their family/children's pictures. Kid in a candy store? Doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling.

It makes me so happy to know that people actually like my work. I definitely feel like I'm improving but I also feel like, no matter how much I improve, I'm never going to think I deserve success. It's something I KNOW I have to work on...but it's really hard for me. I mean, why would people want me to do their pictures if they didn't think I did a good job? I really have to get over that absence of self confidence. Because the truth is...no one is going to believe that I can do a good job unless I believe that myself.

And lately, I've been researching and practicing practicing practicing...I have been working so hard to improve. I guess it's just really exciting when your hard work pays off. Even if it's just something small like photoshoots for 80% off...lol.

That probably doesn't even express the feeling I have...I'm not sure that I could actually fully explain it. But it's there. And it feels oh so good!

Less Words Wednesday

a new post so Stefanie doesn't get mad at me :)

What can I say? I'm in a blogging rut. Not much to update lately!

The only new thing I can think of is that, after LOTS of thoughts/weighing the pros & cons, and talking to people who have done this in the past, I decided to dive right in and post an ad on Craigslist to get more people to photograph. It's not that I don't have people to take pictures of...in fact, I have a lot more than most people who are portfolio building (thanks to my friends/family...particular shout out to Stefanie who has talked me up--probably too much--and had several of her friends contact me!)...but it will be nice to have some new faces, if only so that the faces I do have do not get so sick of me that they refuse to be photographed in the future! Yes, Anne...I'm talking about you! That poor girl is so good to me when I want to try out something new or just get some new photos to play around with!

Plus, it will be good for me to photograph some strangers--that's something I'm eventually going to have to do if I want this to be my profession so I better get used to it now! Who knows if I will get any responses...but I'm cautiously optimistic!


I'll leave you with a few random pics :)

fun with my favorite little guy

Wordless Wednesday (as requested)

I was gently reminded by Stefanie someone who shall remain nameless tonight that I haven't done a Wordless Wednesday in awhile...or posted at all for that matter :)

So...what better time than to show you my latest pics right? Well, I suppose some of them aren't SUPER new...but all within the last month or so...

without further ado...enjoy!

*disclaimer* VERY picture heavy :)













satisfied Stef? ;-)

It's been awhile!

So...I've been absent for awhile. I go through spurts where I post a lot and then don't...have you noticed? haha Anyways, not much has been going on here...just trying to get over this sickness! I've been sick since last Thursday and pretty much despise going to the doctor. Actually, I had a little cold the week before I got this so this is really uncharted waters for me! Keep in mind that I literally get sick like once a year...and that's usually just a 2-3 day cold...I really do not get sick ever. (Stefanie is very similar to me in this way :) I don't what it is about us but we just don't get sick! We're lucky!)

Anywho, since I don't get sick very often, I really don't go to the doctor often. In fact, in high school/college, out of all my trips to the doctor, ONE was for being sick...all the rest? Yearly visits, sprained ankles, almost broken feet, etc. I may be a klutz (or just didn't wear the correct shoes playing basketball...haha) but I rarely get sick. Anywho, suffice it to say that even I know that, after a week, I should probably go see the doctor. She diagnosed me with 'viral pneumonia'...I wasn't aware there were distinctions...but apparantly there are? She also told me that most people who get pneumonia had a cold 1-2 weeks before they started feeling sick with this...that explains that little cold I had a couple weeks ago!

Anyways, I was already feeling a little better when I woke up this morning but I promised my mom I would go in on Thursday if I wasn't feeling tons better. So off I went. I had my mom listen to my chest the other day (she is a rockstar respiratory therapist after all!) and she said my breathing wasn't as loud as it should be...and that it sounded like a viral thing...she knows her stuff! haha I've just been trying to stay hydrated and rest as much as I can this week...I'm sleeping a little better at night but for the past few nights, I was awake so often coughing that I was just exhausted all day long...yuck! So hopefully today is the turnaround I've been waiting for!

So other than that, I haven't been up to too much lately...I went out with a few friends to do some photoshoots in the past few weeks...I was planning on putting up some pics but that will have to wait! I cleared all my pictures off my computer in hopes of freeing up some space...so I'll have to download a few and then put them up later! Perhaps tomorrow since I have nothing to do all day except sit at home?!