fresh start

I've come to the conclusion that I really need to start journaling again. Be it here, in a hand-written journal, a new blog...I don't know yet. I just know that I need to start writing. I'm so much more 'me' and so much happier when I am able to get my thoughts out of this crazy jumbled up thing called my brain! When I don't process my thoughts, when I keep it all in...I let it all build up until I feel overwhelmed. And I hate that feeling!

So...maybe you'll see me more often...maybe you won't and I'll start blogging somewhere else...who knows! But I know I need this outlet :)

Padre Ramblings

Padre is reading the newspaper...

Padre: Oh..it looks like Adam Weber is going to go to Florida...
Me: That's cool
Padre: Well I thought you'd care since you graduated with him
Me: I didn't graduate with him...
Padre: Yeah, isn't that the one you know?
Me: No, I know his brother
Padre: No, you graduated with Adam...
Me: No, I graduated with Dan...
Padre: Well what's his brothers name?
Me: ...Dan...
Padre: One of you graduated with Adam..
Me: Nope, none of us did
Padre: Well who graduated with Adam then?
Me: I don't know..about 500 other people?
--thinks for a couple minutes--
Padre: Do you think you're funny?



I will be back with an abundance of Padre Ramblings to catch you up on! I have been posting most of them on facebook so if you really want to be entertained, start looking for them there :)

Satisfaction....guaranteed?

I'm not satisfied with just being good. I'm not even satisfied with being great. In fact, I don't think what I'm feeling has anything to do with what I or anyone else would classify me as. Instead I think it has to do with the fact that I won't be satisfied --> I don't WANT to be satisfied though.

If I become satisfied, I become stagnant. I don't grow. And the best thing I've learned about this photography journey is that I always want to grow. I always want to learn.

I want complete satisfaction to be just out of my grasp.

from this moment

6 years down, a lifetime to go. That's how it feels a lot of the time, doesn't it? I'm guilty of that mindset too. What happens if we were to look at it from another vantage point though? Perhaps, instead, we could think of it as “a lifetime on Earth, eternity in Heaven.”

It's hard to admit that it's going to be a long time before any of us sees Phil again....and I think we all know how painful it is to not see his face, hear his voice, or get a famous Phil-hug right now. But doesn't it make you feel a little bit better that you get to see him for eternity one day?? I got to the point where that does make me feel better.

I tend to ask Phil for signs. Signs that he can hear me, signs that he still looks in on me from time to time. Signs that he's still my best friend. After Phil died, I got a lot of them. The first month, I got a lot of signs that he was still with me. The first year, they were there pretty frequently. In my dreams, in songs that would come on the radio, in something Nathan would say, an unexpected Bible verse. And then they just sort of slowly tapered off, coming around once in awhile when I really needed them. Well, I haven't had a sign in a long time...probably about a year. And there were a few times during that span that I was begging Phil for a sign..just one...just to show to me that he was still there. I cried, I pouted, I got mad....but I never got it. Not when I asked for it at least. It was like Phil was telling me that I just needed to trust. Trust that he was there, trust that he would always be there for me. So I did. And I found myself realizing that I didn't need forced signs—because when the true signs came along, they meant that much more.

Guess what? I woke up today, not dreading what day it is, but instead accepting it as a 'normal' part of my life from now on. I think that's a first for me since Phil died. You wanna know something else? I had 3 signs that I know were from Phil before noon today. Talk about proving a point, buddy! They were such small signs that they would have been easy to miss...and they were things that nobody would understand except me...but signs they were. One at work, one on the clock, and one as I pulled into the cemetery. How cool is that?

I heard once (admittedly, from a tv show!) this phrase...when asked “How do you get over it?” (in regards to a death), this person responded, “You don't. You just wake up one day and realize you don't mind carrying it around with you.” It hit me because that is EXACTLY what this feels like. Phil wasn't, isn't, and never will be a burden. I don't mind carrying around his memory or his death because it means he's still with me. He always will be.

I feel like I'm kind of all over the place with this post. I promise I had cohesive things to say but, once I got started, it all just came out...most of it probably not flowing that well!

I'll leave you with lyrics to the song that came on my ipod as I drove into the cemetery this morning:

And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down

That no one else could love you half as much as I do now

And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall

Well, I wouldn't be myself at all

I wouldn't be myself at all

Those words may not seem like much...but they meant something to me. Perfect timing. This 'anniversary' is the first one that I've felt even remotely ok with. I think, when Phil died, he left us all with something to figure out about ourselves. I'm not going to pretend that I've got it all figured out—I'm sure there's more to his puzzle and I'll get there eventually. But I think he would be really proud of me. I think he would be really proud of all of us, actually. Everyone that knew him..particularly, those closest to him. Their stories aren't mine to tell but just know that every one of us has made big strides in life. And I think a part of all of us is making those strides to make our friend proud. I love you and miss you every single day Phil. Never forget that.

From this moment, life has begun...

Anger, party of 1

Today I get to be mad.

Every day, I wake up and I get to miss you. I get to wish you were here. I get to wish I could call you up and ask you simple things like how your day has been or what you want to do tonight. I get to remember the past--all of the beautiful memories we had along with the horrendously painful ones. I get to remember what life was like with you in it. I get to be happy that I knew you for as long as I did. I get to remember the 2am water balloon fight in my backyard. I get to do all those things. Every day.

And yes, I do consider each and every one of those things a privilege. Want to know why? Because by being able to do all of those things, it meant that you existed. That you lived. You were real, you weren't always just a memory. And to know that God loved me enough to put you in my life for as long as He did? That, my friend, is a privilege.

But today? Today I get to do something I don't do very often. Today I get to be mad at you. Today I have to miss you. Today I have to wish you were here. Today I don't get to remember what life was like with you in it but I have to acknowledge what life is like without you. I'm not happy for knowing you; today, I'm sad because I don't get to know you anymore. I don't have a clue what 26 year old you would be like.

In theory, I don't like the idea of being mad at you. I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that you felt you had no other choice. That you didn't realize how many people loved you--or that you would be hurting every single one of them. For those reasons, I don't feel like I can be mad at you. Everyone says I can; that it's "normal"...but, for me, for my own healing purposes, and in order to forgive you, being angry isn't generally an option. I can't change the past. I can't change the fact that I don't hear your voice every day. It is what it is. Because of that, I choose to love.

But, every once in awhile, I let the anger out. I get to kick and scream that life isn't fair. That you were too young. That you're an idiot for taking your own life--and, in essence, bits and pieces of everyone that knew you. I get to be mad that you hurt me. I get to be mad that you hurt people I love. I get to be mad that you were only thinking about yourself that morning and not thinking about the repercussions your actions were going to have on every single person you'd ever met. I get to be mad that, because of you, some relationships I had will never be the same. The thing is...I think you're ok with that. Wherever you are...whoever you're with...whatever you're doing--you know I'm mad and you know it's ok.

Tomorrow will be better. I'll wake up and I'll get to miss you. It will be a privilege tomorrow.

But today? Today I get to be mad.

back in action...for today at least

well....it's been a solid 4 months :)

I decided I better update--mostly because I want to remember this story forever...and what better way to preserve it?

Tonight, Stef and Greg went over to Scott and Court's new house to help them paint so they could move in this weekend--so I had Cole and Lace all night..my favorite pastime :) Quick back story: when I tell Cole I love him, I always say "I love you so much" and he always repeats it back to me...tonight, as I was tucking him in to bed, completely unprompted, he looked up at me and said "I love you so much auntie!"...what a great way to end the night!

But wait. It gets better.

I went upstairs and listened to Cole on the monitor as he talks for awhile after getting tucked in. I heard quite a few AUNTIE!'s..and didn't give in (as much as I wanted to!)...he was quiet for a couple minutes and then I heard "But auntie, I REALLY love you!"

Well, who can say no to that?! So, of course, I headed downstairs and snuggle buggled for a half hour! I'm not one to pass up an opportunity like that :)

the one where I sound like a nerd and give you permission to laugh at me :)

Ok so. This will probably sound crazy...and it's totally understandable...because, honestly..most people won't completely get my excitement.

I don't even know that I'll accurately be able to describe it without sounding giddy or ridiculous or dorky or (enter adjective). Ever since I started posting on craigslist and especially since I made my facebook page, I just have been sooooo excited with all the interest in my photography! I literally smile every time someone asks me to do their pictures or leaves a comment on my page or e-mails me to do their family/children's pictures. Kid in a candy store? Doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling.

It makes me so happy to know that people actually like my work. I definitely feel like I'm improving but I also feel like, no matter how much I improve, I'm never going to think I deserve success. It's something I KNOW I have to work on...but it's really hard for me. I mean, why would people want me to do their pictures if they didn't think I did a good job? I really have to get over that absence of self confidence. Because the truth is...no one is going to believe that I can do a good job unless I believe that myself.

And lately, I've been researching and practicing practicing practicing...I have been working so hard to improve. I guess it's just really exciting when your hard work pays off. Even if it's just something small like photoshoots for 80% off...lol.

That probably doesn't even express the feeling I have...I'm not sure that I could actually fully explain it. But it's there. And it feels oh so good!