Coles Godmommy

fresh start

2012-01-26T23:46:00.002-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that I really need to start journaling again. Be it here, in a hand-written journal, a new blog...I don't know yet. I just know that I need to start writing. I'm so much more 'me' and so much happier when I am able to get my thoughts out of this crazy jumbled up thing called my brain! When I don't process my thoughts, when I keep it all in...I let it all build up until I feel overwhelmed. And I hate that feeling!

So...maybe you'll see me more often...maybe you won't and I'll start blogging somewhere else...who knows! But I know I need this outlet :)

Padre Ramblings

2011-04-19T19:27:00.004-05:00

Padre is reading the newspaper...

Padre: Oh..it looks like Adam Weber is going to go to Florida...
Me: That's cool
Padre: Well I thought you'd care since you graduated with him
Me: I didn't graduate with him...
Padre: Yeah, isn't that the one you know?
Me: No, I know his brother
Padre: No, you graduated with Adam...
Me: No, I graduated with Dan...
Padre: Well what's his brothers name?
Me: ...Dan...
Padre: One of you graduated with Adam..
Me: Nope, none of us did
Padre: Well who graduated with Adam then?
Me: I don't know..about 500 other people?
--thinks for a couple minutes--
Padre: Do you think you're funny?

I will be back with an abundance of Padre Ramblings to catch you up on! I have been posting most of them on facebook so if you really want to be entertained, start looking for them there :)

Satisfaction....guaranteed?

2010-11-22T21:21:00.000-06:00

I'm not satisfied with just being good. I'm not even satisfied with being great. In fact, I don't think what I'm feeling has anything to do with what I or anyone else would classify me as. Instead I think it has to do with the fact that I won't be satisfied --> I don't WANT to be satisfied though.

If I become satisfied, I become stagnant. I don't grow. And the best thing I've learned about this photography journey is that I always want to grow. I always want to learn.

I want complete satisfaction to be just out of my grasp.

from this moment

2010-11-15T16:26:00.003-06:00

6 years down, a lifetime to go. That's how it feels a lot of the time, doesn't it? I'm guilty of that mindset too. What happens if we were to look at it from another vantage point though? Perhaps, instead, we could think of it as “a lifetime on Earth, eternity in Heaven.”

It's hard to admit that it's going to be a long time before any of us sees Phil again....and I think we all know how painful it is to not see his face, hear his voice, or get a famous Phil-hug right now. But doesn't it make you feel a little bit better that you get to see him for eternity one day?? I got to the point where that does make me feel better.

I tend to ask Phil for signs. Signs that he can hear me, signs that he still looks in on me from time to time. Signs that he's still my best friend. After Phil died, I got a lot of them. The first month, I got a lot of signs that he was still with me. The first year, they were there pretty frequently. In my dreams, in songs that would come on the radio, in something Nathan would say, an unexpected Bible verse. And then they just sort of slowly tapered off, coming around once in awhile when I really needed them. Well, I haven't had a sign in a long time...probably about a year. And there were a few times during that span that I was begging Phil for a sign..just one...just to show to me that he was still there. I cried, I pouted, I got mad....but I never got it. Not when I asked for it at least. It was like Phil was telling me that I just needed to trust. Trust that he was there, trust that he would always be there for me. So I did. And I found myself realizing that I didn't need forced signs—because when the true signs came along, they meant that much more.

Guess what? I woke up today, not dreading what day it is, but instead accepting it as a 'normal' part of my life from now on. I think that's a first for me since Phil died. You wanna know something else? I had 3 signs that I know were from Phil before noon today. Talk about proving a point, buddy! They were such small signs that they would have been easy to miss...and they were things that nobody would understand except me...but signs they were. One at work, one on the clock, and one as I pulled into the cemetery. How cool is that?

I heard once (admittedly, from a tv show!) this phrase...when asked “How do you get over it?” (in regards to a death), this person responded, “You don't. You just wake up one day and realize you don't mind carrying it around with you.” It hit me because that is EXACTLY what this feels like. Phil wasn't, isn't, and never will be a burden. I don't mind carrying around his memory or his death because it means he's still with me. He always will be.

I feel like I'm kind of all over the place with this post. I promise I had cohesive things to say but, once I got started, it all just came out...most of it probably not flowing that well!

I'll leave you with lyrics to the song that came on my ipod as I drove into the cemetery this morning:

And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down

That no one else could love you half as much as I do now

And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall

Well, I wouldn't be myself at all

I wouldn't be myself at all

Those words may not seem like much...but they meant something to me. Perfect timing. This 'anniversary' is the first one that I've felt even remotely ok with. I think, when Phil died, he left us all with something to figure out about ourselves. I'm not going to pretend that I've got it all figured out—I'm sure there's more to his puzzle and I'll get there eventually. But I think he would be really proud of me. I think he would be really proud of all of us, actually. Everyone that knew him..particularly, those closest to him. Their stories aren't mine to tell but just know that every one of us has made big strides in life. And I think a part of all of us is making those strides to make our friend proud. I love you and miss you every single day Phil. Never forget that.

From this moment, life has begun...

Anger, party of 1

2010-10-23T23:35:00.003-05:00

Today I get to be mad.

Every day, I wake up and I get to miss you. I get to wish you were here. I get to wish I could call you up and ask you simple things like how your day has been or what you want to do tonight. I get to remember the past--all of the beautiful memories we had along with the horrendously painful ones. I get to remember what life was like with you in it. I get to be happy that I knew you for as long as I did. I get to remember the 2am water balloon fight in my backyard. I get to do all those things. Every day.

And yes, I do consider each and every one of those things a privilege. Want to know why? Because by being able to do all of those things, it meant that you existed. That you lived. You were real, you weren't always just a memory. And to know that God loved me enough to put you in my life for as long as He did? That, my friend, is a privilege.

But today? Today I get to do something I don't do very often. Today I get to be mad at you. Today I have to miss you. Today I have to wish you were here. Today I don't get to remember what life was like with you in it but I have to acknowledge what life is like without you. I'm not happy for knowing you; today, I'm sad because I don't get to know you anymore. I don't have a clue what 26 year old you would be like.

In theory, I don't like the idea of being mad at you. I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that you felt you had no other choice. That you didn't realize how many people loved you--or that you would be hurting every single one of them. For those reasons, I don't feel like I can be mad at you. Everyone says I can; that it's "normal"...but, for me, for my own healing purposes, and in order to forgive you, being angry isn't generally an option. I can't change the past. I can't change the fact that I don't hear your voice every day. It is what it is. Because of that, I choose to love.

But, every once in awhile, I let the anger out. I get to kick and scream that life isn't fair. That you were too young. That you're an idiot for taking your own life--and, in essence, bits and pieces of everyone that knew you. I get to be mad that you hurt me. I get to be mad that you hurt people I love. I get to be mad that you were only thinking about yourself that morning and not thinking about the repercussions your actions were going to have on every single person you'd ever met. I get to be mad that, because of you, some relationships I had will never be the same. The thing is...I think you're ok with that. Wherever you are...whoever you're with...whatever you're doing--you know I'm mad and you know it's ok.

Tomorrow will be better. I'll wake up and I'll get to miss you. It will be a privilege tomorrow.

But today? Today I get to be mad.

back in action...for today at least

2010-08-06T00:34:00.003-05:00

well....it's been a solid 4 months :)

I decided I better update--mostly because I want to remember this story forever...and what better way to preserve it?

Tonight, Stef and Greg went over to Scott and Court's new house to help them paint so they could move in this weekend--so I had Cole and Lace all night..my favorite pastime :) Quick back story: when I tell Cole I love him, I always say "I love you so much" and he always repeats it back to me...tonight, as I was tucking him in to bed, completely unprompted, he looked up at me and said "I love you so much auntie!"...what a great way to end the night!

But wait. It gets better.

I went upstairs and listened to Cole on the monitor as he talks for awhile after getting tucked in. I heard quite a few AUNTIE!'s..and didn't give in (as much as I wanted to!)...he was quiet for a couple minutes and then I heard "But auntie, I REALLY love you!"

Well, who can say no to that?! So, of course, I headed downstairs and snuggle buggled for a half hour! I'm not one to pass up an opportunity like that :)

the one where I sound like a nerd and give you permission to laugh at me :)

2010-04-23T20:16:00.003-05:00

Ok so. This will probably sound crazy...and it's totally understandable...because, honestly..most people won't completely get my excitement.

I don't even know that I'll accurately be able to describe it without sounding giddy or ridiculous or dorky or (enter adjective). Ever since I started posting on craigslist and especially since I made my facebook page, I just have been sooooo excited with all the interest in my photography! I literally smile every time someone asks me to do their pictures or leaves a comment on my page or e-mails me to do their family/children's pictures. Kid in a candy store? Doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling.

It makes me so happy to know that people actually like my work. I definitely feel like I'm improving but I also feel like, no matter how much I improve, I'm never going to think I deserve success. It's something I KNOW I have to work on...but it's really hard for me. I mean, why would people want me to do their pictures if they didn't think I did a good job? I really have to get over that absence of self confidence. Because the truth is...no one is going to believe that I can do a good job unless I believe that myself.

And lately, I've been researching and practicing practicing practicing...I have been working so hard to improve. I guess it's just really exciting when your hard work pays off. Even if it's just something small like photoshoots for 80% off...lol.

That probably doesn't even express the feeling I have...I'm not sure that I could actually fully explain it. But it's there. And it feels oh so good!

Less Words Wednesday

2010-04-07T18:28:00.004-05:00

a new post so Stefanie doesn't get mad at me :)

What can I say? I'm in a blogging rut. Not much to update lately!

The only new thing I can think of is that, after LOTS of thoughts/weighing the pros & cons, and talking to people who have done this in the past, I decided to dive right in and post an ad on Craigslist to get more people to photograph. It's not that I don't have people to take pictures of...in fact, I have a lot more than most people who are portfolio building (thanks to my friends/family...particular shout out to Stefanie who has talked me up--probably too much--and had several of her friends contact me!)...but it will be nice to have some new faces, if only so that the faces I do have do not get so sick of me that they refuse to be photographed in the future! Yes, Anne...I'm talking about you! That poor girl is so good to me when I want to try out something new or just get some new photos to play around with!

Plus, it will be good for me to photograph some strangers--that's something I'm eventually going to have to do if I want this to be my profession so I better get used to it now! Who knows if I will get any responses...but I'm cautiously optimistic!

I'll leave you with a few random pics :)

fun with my favorite little guy

2010-02-14T21:48:00.003-06:00

Wordless Wednesday (as requested)

2010-02-03T21:25:00.010-06:00

I was gently reminded by ~~Stefanie~~ someone who shall remain nameless tonight that I haven't done a Wordless Wednesday in awhile...or posted at all for that matter :)

So...what better time than to show you my latest pics right? Well, I suppose some of them aren't SUPER new...but all within the last month or so...

without further ado...enjoy!

*disclaimer* VERY picture heavy :)

satisfied Stef? ;-)

It's been awhile!

2010-01-21T19:13:00.003-06:00

So...I've been absent for awhile. I go through spurts where I post a lot and then don't...have you noticed? haha Anyways, not much has been going on here...just trying to get over this sickness! I've been sick since last Thursday and pretty much despise going to the doctor. Actually, I had a little cold the week before I got this so this is really uncharted waters for me! Keep in mind that I literally get sick like once a year...and that's usually just a 2-3 day cold...I really do not get sick ever. (Stefanie is very similar to me in this way :) I don't what it is about us but we just don't get sick! We're lucky!)

Anywho, since I don't get sick very often, I really don't go to the doctor often. In fact, in high school/college, out of all my trips to the doctor, ONE was for being sick...all the rest? Yearly visits, sprained ankles, almost broken feet, etc. I may be a klutz (or just didn't wear the correct shoes playing basketball...haha) but I rarely get sick. Anywho, suffice it to say that even I know that, after a week, I should probably go see the doctor. She diagnosed me with 'viral pneumonia'...I wasn't aware there were distinctions...but apparantly there are? She also told me that most people who get pneumonia had a cold 1-2 weeks before they started feeling sick with this...that explains that little cold I had a couple weeks ago!

Anyways, I was already feeling a little better when I woke up this morning but I promised my mom I would go in on Thursday if I wasn't feeling tons better. So off I went. I had my mom listen to my chest the other day (she is a rockstar respiratory therapist after all!) and she said my breathing wasn't as loud as it should be...and that it sounded like a viral thing...she knows her stuff! haha I've just been trying to stay hydrated and rest as much as I can this week...I'm sleeping a little better at night but for the past few nights, I was awake so often coughing that I was just exhausted all day long...yuck! So hopefully today is the turnaround I've been waiting for!

So other than that, I haven't been up to too much lately...I went out with a few friends to do some photoshoots in the past few weeks...I was planning on putting up some pics but that will have to wait! I cleared all my pictures off my computer in hopes of freeing up some space...so I'll have to download a few and then put them up later! Perhaps tomorrow since I have nothing to do all day except sit at home?!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-06T14:12:00.000-06:00

success

2009-12-28T22:38:00.003-06:00

So, I had the opportunity today to review 14 hours worth of podcasts from professional photographers. There is a photographer (Scott Hayne) that I absolutely LOVE...I frequently check his blogs for new photos from weddings/senior shoots and I just adore his work. About a month ago, he posted something about this "webinar"...it was basically a free (if you pre-registered..otherwise it cost $59!) seminar from top photographers around the world. They posted about many different things...a lot of them were based on marketing yourself, your photos and your business, which is incredibly helpful. But there were also quite a few on other topics such as: technical aspects of photography, specializing, how to get certain effects, lighting, etc.

Needless to say, I have been in Heaven since about 3pm!

The podcasts are only available for 24 hours (so, just today) unless you purchase them...8--yes, EIGHT--pages of notes later and I have TONS of information that I think will help me in the future.

But the main purpose of this post is to talk about one photographer in particular, Marcus Bell. He started doing photography about 13 years ago...at that point, he was basically at the point I am at now. Where to start? How do I start? How do I learn enough? How do I get people to hire me? Pretty much everything I've been thinking about.

He actually was more inspirational (at least to me) than educational! Don't get me wrong, I learned A LOT from him but I came away from his little podcast completely inspired. I think the thing he said that set me into motion was

"You are the difference between wishing
to be successful and being successful."

How true, right? I mean, when I think about it, what's stopping me besides me? The other thing he said that really hit home was "passion makes you want to work at it 24/7"...*lightbulb going off* "Oh...is that what it is?" How often am I either taking pictures, editing pictures, or talking about taking/editing pictures?? Pretty much all the time (which also means that the majority of my friends/family are probably annoyed with me!). That's passion though. If you're passionate about what you do...if you LOVE what you do, it's not a job to you. Marcus basically said when he goes to shoot weddings or portraits or whatever he's shooting that particular day, he doesn't feel like he's going to work. It doesn't feel like a job to him; it's fun. It's something he enjoys!

That's what I feel like when I'm taking pictures. I'll be honest, before the wedding, I thought I was going to hate having to run around and I worried that I wouldn't get the shots that they wanted or the shots I wanted. I worried they wouldn't be good enough. I worried it would be too hard. I worried that it would feel like work and I wouldn't enjoy it. Guess what? I was dead wrong. I had fun the entire day. From 11am to 10pm. Almost 12 full hours. And there wasn't a second that I wasn't enjoying--no, not enjoying--LOVING what I was doing. It was busy, of course. But it was a good busy. It wasn't a scary busy or a rushed busy. It was a fun, good busy.

The last thing Marcus said that I took to heart was "make a choice to be successful; to be ordinary or extraordinary. But if you want to be extraordinary, know it takes hard work and determination."

Ya know what? I'm going to show everyone what I've got.

:)

sneak peek

2009-12-21T10:55:00.002-06:00

I think it's safe to put this one up...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-16T11:21:00.001-06:00

information overload

2009-12-15T21:24:00.005-06:00

So...I obviously have not "really" blogged in awhile...I have all these things going on and lots to say (if I remember it all of course...) so I'm sorry for the information overload that will be going on in this post!

First and foremost, I'll start with the last post I did...all the pictures. It's a long story but basically (to make that long story, very very short..haha--side note: I just went and re-read this...I sure didn't make it a short story!) my friend Heidi is getting married on December 20th (yes, a week away)...about a month and a half ago, we met up for lunch and she told me her & Chad had picked their wedding date...yes, it was planned that fast! But the cool thing is that their wedding is not super "traditional" so it could all be planned that fast! They're having only family and a few friends (we're talking under 100 guests) and for the reception, there's no dance but a pasta dinner and bingo! How fun is that?! Anywho, I digress. Essentially, Heidi & Chad came to me and said "we'd like you to take our wedding pictures" to which I responded "ummmmmmmm what??" haha It took a lot of convincing on Heidi's part but eventually (crazily!), I agreed. In "exchange" for taking the pictures, Heidi & Chad bought me a new (super nice!) camera. I tried as hard as I could to encourage them to keep the camera but just let me borrow it for the wedding. Heidi insisted that they would never use it, that I would use it all the time, and that if they had hired a professional, it would have cost way more. So I gave in.

I was super super nervous but also excited! As the date gets closer, I'm getting more nervous...but I've also been practicing a lot so hopefully they turn out ok! Heidi assured me that as long as they get some good family pictures beforehand, the rest is just icing on the cake so that makes me feel better. Basically the reason they asked me to do their pictures is because they like that I love to do candid pictures (which is true, it is my favorite!) which I can easily get at the reception! I'm not concerned about the beforehand pics in the church because I have a tripod and can use a flash (same with the reception) but I am concerned (read: super duper nervous!) about during the ceremony pictures because I can't use a flash and I won't be able to use a tripod the whole time...so hopefully those ones turn out ok!

Now, this opportunity has created (or hopefully will create) a lot of new opportunities. Heidi probably has more confidence in me than is warranted at this time (!) but she thinks I should pursue photography as a career. Now, obviously, I still need another job as I'm getting started and deciding if I want to do this forever! So, to all my (2??) loyal readers out there, that doesn't mean I'm stopping the job search! That's for you, mom :) But, I have been thinking about it and photography has always been something I've enjoyed. Obviously I would have a lot of work to put into it as I don't know much of the technical aspect of everything! But, literally since the day Heidi asked me to photograph her wedding, I have been researching every little thing! I feel like I have learned a lot already just on my own...so it can only go up if I take some real classes! Although, the cool thing, is that a lot of photographers that I've found that I LOVE are all largely self-taught...so I'm also thinking about picking up a few photography books to get my studies started.

I've already started photographing some other people...not many, but some! Clearly I have the WORLD'S cutest nephew and nieces so I have been photographing them like crazy. I did a little mini photoshoot with Kennedy one day when it was nice outside and when we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom, I took a few pictures of Lacey that turned out awesome! (Well..awesome considering what I know! haha) I should probably try to get some 'real' pictures of Cole instead of all the silly ones I take so I have experience with kids his age too...but this is a hard time of year because my favorite pictures are outdoors and with minnesota winters, that just isn't gonna happen! Around this time, I also took pictures of Seth & Briana outside...it took a little convincing to get Seth outside but once he was out there, he really got into it and started posing! Briana, as everyone knows, LOVES being the center of attention so she happily posed away for me. She was so easy...she let me pose her exactly how I wanted..and she would have stayed out there all day if I let her! I have also done some photos of Anne...I took a few when I did Kennedy's shoot that I LOVED! And we went out one day a few weeks ago...we were only stayed out for about 15 minutes since it was about negative seventy two outside! But I did get some super cute shots! It's not hard with such good models :)

I also took Heidi & Chad's engagement pictures in November and they turned out great! They were a little grainier than I would have liked but I don't think anyone could tell but me (on most of them at least)...I'm kind of a perfectionist in that aspect. But the good news is I figured out what I did wrong right away and won't do that again!

I also took pictures of my best friend Caela and her fiance Nic (or, as Joey calls them, Cada & Nit) for their Christmas cards...it was FREEZING outside when we did their pictures so I think next year, we will aim for September/October and get the pretty fall colors! That is, if they want me to take them again! I promise next year I will be better! haha

I've started trying to take some fun artistic pictures just playing around with settings....so if you see those on facebook, don't make fun of me too much! I also bought a fisheye lens for the wedding...well, by "bought" I mean I used swagbucks for it! (Just a plug: if you guys don't know what swagbucks is or don't use it, let me know and I will send you an invite! It's totally worth it...it earns you free stuff, no strings attached!) So I paid for shipping and got a lens for free! It's not a super nice one (as those are hundreds of dollars!) but I wanted to get one to see if I would like it. I do! It's not perfect but it does the trick :)

I also have a future opportunity coming up! An old friend from college asked if I would photograph her and 7 (I think) of her friends in January. They are all best friends from high school and haven't all been in the same place since then! They're all doing awesome things like working with the Peace Corps, moving away to work for AmeriCorps and living in other countries! So they will all be back together this winter and wanted some pictures taken...I think it will be so much fun and I am super excited about it!

Ok..I think that's all the camera news (oh! I did use an old Best buy gift card to buy a camera case--I figured the socks on the lenses weren't going to cut it forever! It's big and looks professional and makes me feel more professional having it! haha)...now onto the rest...

update on the job situation: what update? haha the one (seriously, one) interview I've had was filled before I even got there..which was awesome. They also told me that they "loved my application" and "if a job opened up, you will be the FIRST call"...yeah, still no call... However, I do have a job offer on the table...meaning, a few months ago, I started babysitting for a new family in Plymouth (quite frequently actually...this is the same family I house-sat for over Thanksgiving). They moved here from Kansas and have two children. Nora will be 3 in a few days and Ben will be 1 in March. Kim is also pregnant right now and due in May. Dan has been working since they got here and Kim has been job searching so, provided she finds a job before me, she has already asked me if I would nanny for them which I would LOVE. I think they are such a perfect for me...the kids already know me, they are an AMAZING family...we've pretty much discussed everything but numbers and we are on the same page with EVERYTHING. Not only is she "ok" with me taking the kids out to various activities and having play dates but she wants it which is so much nicer than having to sit in the house all day like my past nanny jobs! Ok enough ranting about how great they are! Kim has been interviewing at the state attorney's office..the first job she applied for they basically told her "you're perfect for the job but you would cost too much to hire"...but they also said they have 3 higher up positions opening in the new year and that they would call her once they opened up so keep your fingers crossed for that!

The other cool thing about having this job (well..I suppose any job but particularly this one) is that I would be able to start up a photography business on the side--night and weekends, which I could do with any job..but also, I would be able to do some work during the day editing pictures while the kids were napping which would be nice!

But luckily I have been keeping busy working some extra hours at Home Instead and nannying as much as possible! In fact, for someone who doesn't have a "full-time job", I feel like I'm running around more than I did with a full time AND part time job last year!

I feel like I had a lot more to say but just that has taken me way longer than I thought to get out! So I think I am going to peace out for the night...BUT, to any of you reading this, if you know of anyone that wants/needs their pictures (be it family pictures, baby pictures, senior pictures, etc...) taken, PLEASE mention me! Since I am just starting up, I will obviously be MUCH cheaper than someone else and I feel like I do an ok job! You can even look at some of my photos beforehand to see if you like what I do...and I will continue posting pictures on here as I take them!

Wordless Wednesday (umm..sort of..)

2009-12-10T23:25:00.004-06:00

my first "photoshoots".......more info later!

Padre Ramblings

2009-12-07T00:55:00.002-06:00

padre: what are you doing?
me: I'm going to take a nap...I've been up since 6am
**about 20 minutes later and RIGHT as I'm finally falling asleep**
padre opens the basement door and bellows: MELANIE!!
me: ugh what?
padre: MELANIE!!!
me: WHAT?!
padre: what are you doing?
me: well..I was trying to take a nap...thanks...

Padre: Are you going to be around someday?
me: umm..what?
padre: are you going to be around someday?
me: well...yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll be around someday...
padre: ok
me: care to be more specific??
padre: oh, I was going to see when you were home this week so I could call a plumber
me: ok so why not say that right away??

an abundance of Padre Ramblings

2009-11-28T20:33:00.002-06:00

*Padre is cleaning out the pantry and sticks a nutrisystem dinner on the table*
padre: I think that's bad...
me: well, you don't need to throw it out unless it's past the expiration date...it should have one on the bottom...
padre: oh, maybe it's ok
--I check the bottom--
me: Yep, March of 2008...definitely needs to be thrown.
*Padre laughs*
(disclaimer: this story is especially funny because when I moved in, I essentially cleared out everything from his fridge. The rule was, if it's expired, it's got to go. Well...almost everything needed to go. And almost everything needed to be gone about 2 years prior to that...)

me: why don't you take those down? (referring to christmas pictures/cards from 2 years ago)
padre: why would I?
me: why wouldn't you? You get new ones every year...
padre: well...one of those might have your future step-siblings on there
me: If you're referring to Janelle, which I know you are, then no...it doesn't have my future step-siblings on there
padre: you never know
me: yes, I do...you're never getting married again. YOU said that.
padre: yeah, but that doesn't mean her kids wouldn't be your step siblings ever...
me: um...that's exactly what that means
padre: no...not if they moved in here
me: that wouldn't make them related to me..
--quiet confusion for a couple minutes--
padre: well, after 7 years, it would...
me: no...what you're referring to is a common law marriage...that does not make her children my step-siblings

following conversation via text...
padre: wilds are gettin kilt (fyi, this is a common fight in the swanson household...he doesn't understand that they are the WILD, not the wilds...and he also doesn't understand that kilt is a skirt some men wear and not an action...)
me: they're down by one
padre: yeah, but colorado had a goal disallowed
me: they're still down by one...
padre: did you read my previous email?
me: email or text?
padre: i think you know what i meant
me: I don't...and even if I did, I still wouldn't know what you're referring to

While I'm Waiting

2009-11-25T21:09:00.000-06:00

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

::John Waller::

back to square one

2009-11-23T21:03:00.002-06:00

So...I am fully aware that this will make me sound completely ridiculous but I'm going to share it anyways. Well, the message itself won't make me sound ridiculous...just the fact that I got it from watching a movie. The new Twilight movie at that. I know..it already seems ridiculous that I could get any type of life lesson from a teeny bopper movie!! But I did...and so I write...

I'm sick of 'just getting by'. I'm sick of my life not being what I wanted it to be. I'm sick of looking at other people and just wishing I could have the things they have. Not material things—things like true happiness, a career they love, a husband, kids (or at least the idea of kids).

I've never in my life been one to just sit back and take what life has given me. I have fought for the things I've had. I started working before I even turned 16...I had been working for years before any of my friends even thought to get a job. I didn't grow up having a lot of things—but I had loving parents, wonderful siblings and absolutely amazing friends. I didn't have a lot but I was fulfilled.

That changed the day I lost my best friend. I don't use Phil's death as an excuse simply because it's not. In fact, after he died, a lot of people told me “it's okay that you're not happy...your best friend just died” or “well, maybe that happened because of the affect Phil's death had on you”. There were people handing me this excuse left and right—it would have been so easy to say “yeah..ya know...I'm really not myself because of that.” But that didn't seem fair to me. So I never gave in. I never allowed that to be an excuse that crossed my lips. Where's the part where I take responsibility? Where's the part where I am accountable for my actions?

If I got to use Phil's death as an excuse, I would never move on. I would never live fully again. It would be a built in excuse for the rest of my life.

I don't want that.

But, as I've grown older and experienced more, I have come to realize that his death did affect me more than I ever thought. I knew I was in the depths of depression after Phil died. It's not easy to bury your best friend. But I thought if I talked about how strong I was, I would be that strong. Turns out it doesn't work that way. I focused so hard on proving to other people that I was strong that I didn't realize I wasn't. I was trying to convince everyone else and, somehow, I lost track of reality and ended up trying to convince myself I was okay. And I think we all know that if we are trying to convince ourselves of something, then there's a problem...

I digress. What I'm trying to get at is that Phil's death did affect a lot of things I never thought it would. But most of all, it affected my happiness. My drive. My motivation. I was in this place where I thought “Well...if I just stay sad and depressed, maybe I can just get through enough of life until I can see Phil again.” (Now, for my friends and family, let me reiterate that I have never once, before OR after Phil died, contemplated suicide. It just has never been an option for me. So that sentence implies me just getting old and “getting through life” until God decided it was my time. Just wanted to clarify.)

I thought I could just drag my feet through life, one day at a time. Eventually, hopefully before I knew it, I would be 70, 80 years old and ready to go. I just didn't have the drive to really live. To find the things I loved and do them. To figure out who the people were that really mattered and be with them. That drive—the thing that defined me before November 15^th, 2004—was just gone. And that, I think, is what really threw me for a loop.

By now, I'm sure, you're wondering “ok...well, what the heck does that have to do with a new movie?” It's not so much the movie that incurred all of these thoughts. It's more so what the movie represents. I realized “dragging my feet”...just not my thing. My thing is laughing. Loving. Experiencing. Smiling. Those are my things.

I don't want to drag my feet anymore. I don't want to stay where I am. I want to be the one running, jumping and laughing through life. I want my drive back. I want my motivation back. I want to be someone that my friends and family can be proud of. And I don't want them to say they are proud of me just because they're my friends and family and feel that way regardless. I want them to really be proud of me. I want to do something that will make them proud of me.

So that's my mission. I'm working hard on finding myself. The old me. The pre-survivor of suicide me. The pre-I buried my best friend me. I'm done trying to convince everyone else, and me, that I wasn't me because of that. Because the truth is: that one second it took Phil to pull the trigger? It changed everything. It changed me. I'm done pretending it didn't.

But I'm not done being me anymore. I'm not done living. I have a lot of things left to accomplish. And I'm going to accomplish them.

How do you get over it?

You don't. You just wake up one day and realize
you don't mind carrying it around with you.

Padre Ramblings

2009-11-22T23:22:00.002-06:00

**during dinner tonight**

Anne: I'm so tired
Me: Me too...
Padre: You have school tomorrow.
Me: You're wearing a black hat.
*padre furrows his brow and his beloved confused expression starts to show up*
Padre: what??
Me: Oh. I thought we were just saying random things?
Padre: what you said doesn't make sense..
Me: Yeah...that's kind of my point...

5 years*

2009-11-15T01:20:00.003-06:00

A little less than five years ago--in fact, exactly 4 years and 361 days ago, I sat in my pastor's house..sobbing..because the day before I had buried my best friend. On the way home from her house, I heard the song 'Broken' by Seether for the first time.

Tonight (or I guess I should say, early this morning), I drove home from that same house. As I was going through my ipod finding a song to listen to, the same Seether song came on.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I used to believe in coincidences. Slowly, after Phil died, I came to realize that there was no such thing as a coincidence. I had seen too much--too many signs--to think that they weren't little messages from Phil to get me through life. After I mentioned one of these signs to my pastor and used the word 'coincidence', she said "Mel, I don't think that coincidences exist. Especially in this case. I like to call them 'Godincidences'." I know...funny word right? But it's totally true. These moments were carefully planned out by God...they didn't just simply happen for no reason.

And I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I don't think that song just happened to come up on my ipod. I think that was one of those messages from Phil. He wanted me to remember 5 years ago. He wanted me to remember that conversation with Sarah and that drive home. He wanted me to remember that he's still with me.

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome

Lest we forget, after 5 years, that Phil is still with us. He isn't forgotten, not in the least. As the time goes on, I learn more and more from my best friend, my guardian angel. There still isn't a day that I don't think of him. In fact, I don't think there will ever be a day that he doesn't cross my mind at least once. My memories are all that I have left--but what memories they are!

And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

As I was explaining to a friend the other day who is going through a hard situation, right away the bad days were the only thing that existed. I cried for months. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I couldn't focus on anything except that unbearable pain in my stomach, in my heart, in my head. His absence was all I thought about. The bad days consumed me. But as time went on, the bad days came less and less often. And as those bad days lessened, the good ones increased...until slowly, I realized that I was having more good days than bad days. There's no doubt in my mind that Phil got me through that period of incredible grief and sadness. He wasn't here physically..but he was in my head and in my heart all the time.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

That's exactly how it felt too. I could breathe again. I wasn't gasping for air, I wasn't drowning in sadness and tears. Five years ago, five years seemed like an impossible feat. I was sure that I would never make it that far. I was sure that I could never make it to this point. Today, five years seems...right? Five years seems ok. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Five years is not what I thought it would be.

There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight

So when I hear that Seether song...my heart doesn't beat a little bit faster anymore. It doesn't remember that day at Sarah's house with sadness. It certainly still makes me think of Phil. It always will. But I can listen to that song--really listen to those lyrics--and instead of making me cry, I can smile, listen, and realize how far I've come.

Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I'm strong enough
Cuz' I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

Do I still feel broken sometimes? Sure. Do I feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with this on certain days? Absolutely. Will it ever feel right that he's gone? Nope. But those broken and weak days really do make me that much stronger on every other day.

why

2009-11-14T00:36:00.004-06:00

Well...Rascal Flatts has done it again.

when the sand runs out
what hurts the most
God bless the broken road

What do these songs have in common? They all make me think of Phil. I hear two beats into each one of these songs and my thoughts immediately go to my best friend. There are literally hundreds of songs that remind me of Phil--but RF always seem to have a song that fits exactly into what I'm feeling.

Their newest song is called 'Why'. As the 5th anniversary of Phil's death is approaching, this new song has touched me in ways that no other song has. I'm going to post the lyrics here (they alone will give you chills, I guarantee it--especially if you've lost someone to suicide). I highly suggest you find the song online and actually listen though...

I think a lot (if not, all) of Phil's friends and family have thought the exact words in this song. When you lose someone to suicide, I feel like the underlying question is always "why???" For me, that's all I wanted to know. I pictured the future. I pictured everything we were going to miss. And I always pictured Phil happy. But he obviously wasn't. So the hardest thing for me to think about was why. Why is this what he chose? Why did he want to leave? Why was he unhappy? And why didn't I know? I think those are pretty common questions for anyone.

Anyway...this song pretty much encompasses all of that.

Here are the lyrics (and if you get a second, say a little prayer for all of Phil's friends and family this Sunday--5 is a big one and it's hard to believe it's here already):

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
mmmmm

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17 year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong
and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yeahhhhh

Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts I hear the mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh I there's no comprehending and who am I to try judge or explain
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
Now you're gone and we cry
Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

compassion

2009-11-12T20:46:00.002-06:00

How many of you have heard of Compassion? It's a Christian organization that is spreading God's word and helping many, many children in third world countries. I followed along Angie's journey when she went on a compassion trip and I am now following along Kelly as she journeys to El Salvador with Compassion.

Kelly's words have really been sticking in my head these past few days (she and her husband have been there for 3 days so far). Her recap from Wednesday really got to me though. I just cannot stop thinking about all the children she's put pictures up of--especially those young girls (some just a few years older than Briana!) that shouldn't have a worry in the world but are instead about to give birth or have already given birth and are learning how to raise their child/ren.

How is that possible?

12 year olds having babies (the majority of whom were raped). Children living in the conditions that they live in. Many have no running water (one family has to hike up a dangerous road 3 times a day in order to get water--which is unclean anyways). That same family lives just steps away from the gangleader in that community. They have no toys, no television, no internet. But more than that, they have no cleaning supplies--no toothpaste, no toothbrushes, no soap.

So imagine my disgust today when I realized the things I have been worrying about lately.

My hair looks bad today. I missed my favorite TV show?! My face looks too red in that picture. Do these jeans make me look fat? I can't decide what to eat for dinner. I don't want to clean. Facebook won't let me sign on!

They sound so petty don't they? So inconsequential. So irrelevant. None of those things matter. When I read about the conditions these children from El Salvador are in, I literally cringe at what I consider 'catastrophe' in my life.

I have experienced hardships in my life. I have experienced a lot of things that people my age haven't. But in comparison to these children, I couldn't possibly have a better life. Even in the hard times, I've always had a roof over my head. I've always had running water. I've always had enough to eat. I've never had to worry about living next to dangerous criminals. I've never lived in circumstances like that.

And I'm lucky. We are so spoiled here in America...I don't know if I could survive like those kids. Reading through both Angie and Kelly's stories...actually seeing pictures of those conditions...it changes your life. I'm not kidding you.

If you go to either Angie or Kelly's blogs (or the Compassion International website) and feel compelled to make a difference, you can sponsor a Compassion child! It's $38 a month to give a child a future. Think about it! Even though I don't have much, I know I'm blessed and have more than any of these kids ever dream of...because of that, I will be sponsoring a child through Compassion soon. I hope you all consider doing the same!

the best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend

2009-11-10T14:54:00.006-06:00

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Me? I was lucky enough to find that friend in my sister. Love you Stef!

Padre Ramblings

2009-10-29T23:00:00.003-05:00

**phone rings**
me: hi dad
padre: hi kiddo, it's your dad
me: i know...
padre: are you at home?
me: no, why?
padre: I need you to open the garage door
me: oh..
padre: can you be home in 2 minutes?
me: not exactly..
padre: why can't you be home in 2 minutes?
me: well, I can't exactly fly home... I can be home in 10 minutes though...
padre: ok...
me: don't you have your key?
padre: yeah...
me: well, why can't you just go in the front door then?!
padre: well because...I was going to have you open the garage door..
me: was this phone call really necessary??

because I have the cutest nephew and nieces :)

2009-10-29T00:12:00.002-05:00

Stefanie entered Cole and Lacey in the GAP casting call! (Christie, when are you entering Kennedy?!) And because I obviously have the most adorable nephew and nieces in the world, I'm asking you guys to vote for them!! Click on this link here and vote for them! You can vote once every day...so make sure you put it in your favorite and come back to vote!!

You can vote through November 17th so get moving!!!

Thanks!

Being a Christian is a lot like being a pumpkin

2009-10-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

Feeling festive? Click here to read Kelly's (from Kelly's Korner) take on being a Christian and a pumpkin! I just love it!

conversations with cole

2009-10-19T23:29:00.003-05:00

me: where did baby Cole go?!
Cole: I eat him

me: Cole, I love you
Cole: ok, I need my trains

*after we finished reading Where the Wild Things Are*
me: ok, you wanna go grab a different book?
Cole: no, this book!
me: we just finished that book silly! Go grab another one from your room!
Cole: (as he's giving me the puppy dog eyes) Auntie do it!
me: you want ME to go get a new book?!
Cole: ok!

*Cole comes in from outside*
cole: auntie?
me: yes cole?
cole: outside?
me: you want me to come play outside?
cole: ok
(p.s. one of my favorite things about cole is that he'll tell you exactly what he wants but if you ask him back in question form, i.e. "you want me to come play outside?", he answers "ok" as though you were the one who suggested it!)

*after playing outside for awhile...*
Stef: ok Cole, we have to go inside now to make dinner
Cole: I play outside
Stef: well, if auntie will stay with you, then you can stay out here
Cole: auntie outside?
me: sure, we can stay outside
**Stefanie goes inside**
Cole (as soon as Stefanie shuts the door, he pushes me and says): Auntie, inside.
me: You want me to go inside?
Cole: ok
me: well, are you going inside?
Cole: No. Cole play outside.
me: well, you can't stay out here by yourself...
Cole: Auntie! Inside!
me: I can't go inside unless you go inside! Do you want to stay outside?
Cole: mmhmm
me: ok, then auntie has to stay outside too
Cole: ok...
(also funny: as I was relaying this conversation to Stef, she goes "oh yeah, that's his new favorite thing. He thinks he can play outside by himself." haha when did he get so old?!)

me: Bye Cole, auntie has to go buh-bye
Cole: see you soon (might be my favorite new phrase!)
me: Love you
Cole: say hi to papa (might be my second favorite new phrase)

Padre Ramblings

2009-10-17T20:02:00.003-05:00

me: how was the college?
padre: it was nice
me: did you see another college?
padre: what do you mean?
me: well...did you just visit Ripon or did you see another college too?
padre: we saw Lambeau
me: right, that's not a college...

...

me: how did you get into Lambeau anyways? Do they just let people visit?
padre: I know people
me: no for real...
padre: we just walked up, I told them who I was and that I was a lifetime packers fan...
me: you realize this is all going to be a part of Padre Ramblings right?
padre: well I'm done talking then...

...

padre (20 seconds later): so we walked up the tunnel that the players walk up
me: hmmm...
padre: and they even played music just like they do for the packers!
me: you really do live in your own little world don't you??

absent

2009-10-17T18:59:00.003-05:00

I've still been pretty absent, huh? If it hadn't been for another person telling me to blog more (right after I just posted no less!), I probably wouldn't be back yet...but I suppose since I know that people actually read this now, I better post, huh? I think part of my problem is that sometimes I just don't know what to write about...even though once I get started, I can think of a million things :) (and yes, I know I have a couple of posts from 2 months ago that I need to type up...but I just haven't gotten to verbalizing them yet...they're all in my head still!)

Anywho, lately I've been thinking about how I have gotten super stressed out a few times in the past 9 months of semi-unemployment. And the stress, not ironically, always comes from wondering if I'll be able to pay my bills that month. You know, it's a little tough to budget money when you know exactly what needs to go out but you're never quite sure what's coming in. Somehow, I always seem to make it work. When I'm really down to my wits end and I'm freaking out about how I'm going to pay my student loans that month, I get a full weeks worth of nannying jobs. Or I get extra hours at Home Instead. I know it's all part of His grand plan, that He knows exactly what's going to happen. That He knows when and how I will be able to pay my bills. It's comforting, in an obscure way, to know that He knows all of this and I don't. (Although it might only be comforting though when I'm at where I am now--extra money in the bank, every bill paid off until the middle of November, etc...)

With that being said, I've started to stress myself out a little bit thinking of the future. While I know that the person I got my "car loan" from is perfectly content waiting for me to get a job to start paying them back, it still is frustrating for me because it's something I wish I could do right now. But furthermore, I'm thinking about when my unemployment is up. Provided (worst case), I get no more hours weekly from Home Instead or don't find a steady job, my unemployment will be up the middle of December. I'm saving money like a madwoman preparing for this while still job searching and *hoping* something comes along. I know that when it has, literally, come down to my last pennies in the past, He has always found a way to provide for me. But I'm scared that this time he won't be able to. It's a big fear for me that I'm not going to be able to pay all of my bills. Hopefully it won't get to that point but it could. And, while I don't get a lot from unemployment, it is enough to help pay my bills each month.

Along with this comes my choice to, finally, take my personal training class. It's been a hard decision because on one hand, I think "well, that is $320 I don't need to spend right now." But on the other hand, I think "but it's $320 right now that will, if it works out like it should, provide me with the skills and opportunities to make a living." I have been saving for this too. So, I think I have decided that I have enough saved up in the bank to make this investment now. I am also going to continue (obviously) saving every penny I can before my unemployment is up. But taking this personal training class is something I really want to do, something I've planned for, and something I think I would be good at. So I've decided now is the time. It normally takes 4-6 weeks they say for an average person to finish this class...so if I receive the materials within the next 2 weeks, I should finish by the end of the year (well, most likely before, but for sure by the end of the year)...which I'm hoping is good timing...doesn't everyone make a New Years Resolution about becoming healthier?! Also, I have some friends who have offered to let me train them so I can use them as testimonials which will be nice. (*notice* if you know of anyone who wants a personal trainer, let me know! haha)

Ok, I think I'm spent for now. I actually had more I wanted to say but I'm on this huge motivating clean/throw-out-EV.ER.Y.THING.-i-dont-need kick that I want to continue! Have a great weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-14T18:11:00.001-05:00

I'm ba-aaack!

2009-10-10T23:51:00.005-05:00

I know, I know. I've been awful right? Well, I figure now that I've got a couple of people on my case about getting back to blogging, I better do it. And what better way to get back into it than to announce the arrival of my new niece!!!

Lacey Kay Straka was born on September 30 (woohoo! another September birthday, finally!!!) at 9:23 a.m. Stef had a fairly quick labor (and by "fairly quick", I mean...thank goodness she was at the hospital when her water broke because she had Lacey 10 minutes later...) She was 6 pounds 15 ounces of perfection! I'm not sure how my sister gets so lucky but she has been blessed with another fantastic sleeper! Lacey has slept from 11pm-4/5ish in the morning EVERY night except once! And then she eats and goes right back to sleep...amazing!

Alright, well I'm gonna let this be a quick post (but picture heavy...because...come on, I have to show off Lacey!) and I PROMISE I will be back much sooner than last time!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-07T18:11:00.002-05:00

Padre Ramblings

2009-09-22T19:49:00.002-05:00

padre: doogie howser just stole my girlfriend...
me: well...unless your girlfriend is a man, I don't think doogie howser will be stealing her...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-09T15:15:00.000-05:00

coming soon...

2009-09-07T22:59:00.001-05:00

I know, I know...it's been awhile since my last post and even longer since a REAL post! But I promise some good ones are coming soon! I'm excited to share my experience of going to Phil's grave with you and, of course, I'm excited to show you pictures of my trip to Virginia Beach!

They're coming...promise!

2009-08-28T22:58:00.002-05:00

VIRGINIA BEACH, HERE I COME!

Sand...sun....ocean...no jellyfish...no sharks...sailors....
BRING IT ON!!

it's about time...

2009-08-23T23:15:00.002-05:00

Something will grow from all of this...
and it will be me.

the thing about Rachel

2009-08-16T14:35:00.010-05:00

The thing about Rachel is that she gets me.

Like, she REALLY gets me.

I think she might be the only person that knows exactly what I'm thinking without telling her. She might be the only person that knows I need her without me asking for her. And vice versa. We are strangely there for each other whenever anything has happened in either of our lives.

Take, for instance, when Phil died. (Just a disclaimer: Rachel is one of the best people to talk about Phil too--and she didn't even know him! But she gets it. She was there with me when he died--which I'm going to tell you about--but she also works at SAVE, a non-profit suicide awareness organization. So she understands why I feel the way I do. She deals with this stuff on an every day basis. Not to mention she's getting a masters degree in psychology and will probably be the best psychologist ever to roam the Earth. Add the fact that she's one of my best friends on top of that and you see why I love her so much! Ok, I'll stop bragging about how cool my friends are and get back to what I was going to write...) The day that Phil died, I woke up with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was something I couldn't explain. I just knew it meant something bad had happened. When I heard that there were cop cars outside of his house, I knew what had happened. Before that day, Phil and suicide would have never crossed my mind as an option. But somehow, I just knew that morning.

Well...Rae and I were pretty much siamese twins during our freshman year of college. We spent the majority of our day together, ate almost every meal together, hung out pretty much every night. The only time we were apart (typically) was when we had class (provided it wasn't a class we had, ya know, together haha). Sophomore year, we were both RA's so we obviously saw each other a ton but not as much--because we were RA's, we both had more responsibility and needed to spend more time on our own floor. Since we weren't constantly with each other that year, it wasn't unusual to come home from class and see a message from Rae saying "hey, come here" or for her to get the same message from me (usually we just missed each other and wanted to say hi! haha). Well, of course, whenever either one of us would see that message, we would send one back saying "what's up?" Pretty typical, right? We ALWAYS wanted to know what we were getting into before we came to each others room! Well, the day that Phil died, I sent Rachel a message that said "come here"...she was walking in my door within 30 seconds.

I kid you not.

No response back asking what I needed. No question of "what's up?" Nothing. Just a friend who, somehow, realized that I needed her. To this day, when we talk about it, she has NO idea why she didn't respond the way she normally did. She has no idea what made her rush upstairs. That day, she just knew that was what she needed to do. And that wasn't the first time something like that had happened. And it certainly wasn't the last.

To this day, it still happens. Rachel might be having a horrible day and she'll come home from work to a message that says "thanks for being my friend"...and 2 minutes later, I'll get a message saying "how did you know I needed that?" I'll be having a rough day and Rachel will send me a text saying "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!" (friends reference, anyone?) and I'll send one back saying "how did you know I needed that?" It's strange. It's unexplainable. But it's familiar. And that's the best part.

So when I say that Rachel gets me...I really mean it. The girl gets me.

All of that was to preface the following conversation that Rachel and I just had...and, with her permission, want to share...because it is us. To a T.

Melanie
I would give anything for phil to be one of the people to have survived and be telling his story :(

Rachel
that is what Nikki said about her husband
everyone feels that way

Melanie
yeah, i bet

Rachel
you are a survivor of suicide Mel....you lost a loved one. it is hard, and it isnt a group you asked to be a part of, or wanted to be a part of. its good to be at events and be around people that have gone through the same pain as you it helps in the grieving process and also to see an org that is raising awareness so we can stop the next suicide from happening
suicide sucks....

Melanie
wow, way to make a girl cry rae
haha

Rachel
i am sorry mel!!!!
i didnt mean to make you cry!!!!

Melanie
haha no it's ok! good tears

Rachel
good
well not good, but glad they arent sad tears
i am crying too damnit

Melanie
haha we're a pair, aren't we?

Rachel
TBA!

Melanie
forever!

Rachel
AND THEN SOME!

Melanie
you know it!

Rachel
:D

Melanie
can we be neighbors in Heaven? i think that would be pretty cool...

Rachel
ummm we are going to be attached at the hip in heaven yo!

I hope everyone has a friend like Rachel

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-12T10:52:00.000-05:00

saved by grace

2009-08-09T21:51:00.002-05:00

You know those people you hear about that claim to be saved by Jesus and they just "know", they feel it...it's something they can't explain?

And then you know those other people who think the first set of people are just crazy because there's really no way to tell and they think it's never going to happen to them...they just don't get it?

Well. Turns out I used to be a part of that second group. Now, I consider myself incredibly blessed to be a part of that first group. A year ago, 6 months ago, heck, a month ago...if you told me I would be writing this post, I would have told you that you were crazy and that either there's no way to tell if you've been "saved" or that it just wasn't going to happen to me. I just didn't. get. it.

And I know this whole post will probably seem entirely crazy to a lot of people out there but you know what? I don't care! I can feel the love of Jesus. I can feel His arms around me even as I type this. I can see the change in myself--I can feel the change in myself. And I'm happy to say that I'm going to keep changing. I'm going to keep growing. And no one can bring me down.

I digress. I should probably back up a little bit. I've always read about these people who are comfortable talking about Jesus. They're comfortable raising their hands in church. They are comfortable using the phrase "Praise Jesus"...in front of people. So not me. I always wished I could profess my love like that. But the first issue was that I wasn't sure Jesus loved me. Crazy right? When I finally convinced myself that Jesus did, indeed, love me...I wasn't sure I deserved that love. Do you follow? I had all these insecurities. I've had them (about everything) my entire life. And as I'm growing up and growing more comfortable in my own skin, I've slowly let them go. But this was one I just couldn't give up. I really did not think Jesus could love me--despite everything I'd done. Every horrible thing I'd ever said to anyone. Every dirty look I gave. Every time I talked behind someone's back. Even just every time I had a mean thought about someone. Why would Jesus love me? Honestly, why me? What have I ever done to deserve the love of someone for no reason at all?

And then I thought "well, you pretty much have to be perfect to deserve Jesus' love." And, let's be honest, nobody is perfect. The thing is...Jesus knows I'm not perfect. He knows I never will be. And that's why He loves me. That doesn't mean I won't make mistakes. That doesn't mean I won't say something I would regret--but the point is, I'm more aware of what I do and what I say. I'm more conscious about what I'm putting out there into the world He created. I know I'll make mistakes. Jesus knows I'll make mistakes. But the best feeling in the world is that I know He'll forgive me. In fact, He's already forgiven me before I even make those mistakes.

And you know those crazy people I talked about who don't know how they really got saved? That's me. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know when. Obviously, I have a time frame but I could not point to a single day and say "oh yeah..that's when it happened."

This whole subject has been something that's been pressing on my heart for a long time. I had a lot of thoughts that didn't make sense. I wasn't sure what to make of the things that people were saying or the things I was feeling. But over the past few weeks, I've just hit a turning point. Maybe it's all that Christian music I've been listening to nonstop (ha!) or the fact that I'm comfortable talking about Jesus all the time to anyone. Maybe it was just me deciding that, ya know what? I'm worth it...I don't know! And, to be honest, I don't care! I am just enjoying this feeling of knowing that, if anything, Jesus is ALWAYS there for me. If I feel like I can't count on anyone else, He is always there. Ready to listen. Willing and wanting to be there for me. I think the culmination of the past few weeks was when I finally went to Phil's grave (more on that later)...it was just pure happiness. And I know that sounds strange--to be happy going to your best friend's grave..but hopefully when I get around to verbalizing my thoughts, it will make sense.

The point is...I know I'll be joining Phil in Heaven someday. A month ago, I couldn't say that and be certain about it. I hoped for it but I wasn't sure it would happen. Today, I'm positive that he will be waiting for me with open arms. And that's a really great--no--a really blessed feeling!

Padre Ramblings

2009-08-09T19:14:00.003-05:00

me: dad, sometime before we die, we should go down to Lake City and actually go waterskiing
dad: well I just did that
me: no you didn't...
dad: yes I did! I called and told you about it!
me: no...you called me FROM lake city to TELL me about people waterskiing
dad: well it's the same thing
me: it's not even remotely close to the same thing...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-05T17:08:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Kennedy Grace!

happy 25th!

2009-07-30T22:08:00.005-05:00

Phil,

Hey buddy! Today marks what would have been your 25th birthday...well, it IS your 25th birthday. Only you're celebrating it somewhere I never thought you would--in Heaven. I think what shocks me the most is not that you turn 25 today...but it's what that signifies. That means it's been almost five years since you died. And, somehow, I just don't think that's possible.

Five years? Really? Some days five years seems pretty accurate--but other days, five seconds seems too long. I still miss you. I still wish you were here for me to hug and kiss and laugh with and have water balloon fights at 2am with. I still wish you were celebrating your birthday here on Earth instead of up there in Heaven...I'm a little jealous to be honest. I mean, you get to celebrate your birthday with the big guy....in the most fantastic place anyone could ever imagine...with anybody you could ever want there. And you know what the only thing I can think about is? I'm jealous of all those people who are there to celebrate with you. I don't exactly wish I was there...but I more so wish that you were here.

I wonder what you'd be doing. I wonder if I would be a part of your day. I wonder if I would be a part of all of your days. I wonder what you would look like--if you would still look the same or if you've changed a lot. I wonder if you'd have grown out your hair again...just the way I liked it. I wonder if you'd be a genius computer guy (well...I think that one's obvious!) I wonder where you'd be living, who your friends would be. I wonder what car you'd be driving--and crashing ;)

But those aren't things I'll ever get the answers to--now I'm stuck wondering what Heaven's like for you. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you watch over me--if you look in on me from time to time. I wonder if you hear me when I talk to you. I wonder if I'll ever get to see you again. And those are things I will get the answers to. I just have to be patient! And you know how hard that is for me...

Thank you for being my strength, for always being there for me even when you can't always talk back. Thank you for staying with me. I hope you found the happiness you were looking for. I hope you are happier than you ever thought possible. I hope you feel the love I still have for you and I hope you feel how much I miss you. You were, still are, and always will be the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

I love you more than I ever thought someone could love another person. I love you with my whole heart each and every day. I miss you every second of every day. I hope you are having a great 25th birthday...we'll have to catch up on the celebrations when I see you again..

Love you best friend,
Mels

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first
::Regina Spektor::

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-29T19:31:00.002-05:00

Padre Ramblings

2009-07-28T19:44:00.003-05:00

*note* this version of Padre Ramblings occurred over the telephone

so cue to my phone ringing...

me: hey dad
padre: hey kiddo, it's your dad
me: i know...
padre: how'd you know it was me?
me: well...your number shows up when you call...
padre: it could be someone else calling from my house
*this portion of the conversation goes back and forth for quite some time so we'll jump ahead due to time constraints*
padre: well, I don't want to alarm you but...
me: yeah?
padre: I had some oral surgery today
me: ok...why would that alarm me?
padre: because I had surgery to have a tooth extracted today!
me: and why would that alarm me?
padre: (getting exasperated) because I had surgery today!
me: dad, you had a tooth pulled...it's not like you had open heart surgery

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-22T20:47:00.002-05:00

have I mentioned before that I love my friends?

2009-07-22T00:24:00.003-05:00

especially when they say things like:

"I wouldn't trade you for all the graham crackers
with peanut butter in the world...and that usually does the trick"

followed by:

"thanks for being you"

sometimes your friends say just the right thing at just the right time...love you gina!

it's about that time...

2009-07-20T23:07:00.003-05:00

...time for a new favorite song that is! Yes, I know I go through "new favorite songs" like most people go through water but still! This one is pretty dang good...

Francesca Battistelli-Free to be me

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

Go here if you want to hear the song--it's not a music video but you can at least hear the song!

Pretty great huh?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-15T09:38:00.000-05:00

Padre Ramblings

2009-07-12T18:44:00.001-05:00

me: dad, are you going to be home for dinner tomorrow?
padre: yeah, i think so...why?
me: ok, i'm going to make turkey burgers
padre: well which is it? turkey? or hamburgers?
me: turkey burgers...
padre: oh

15 week challenge-week TWO!

2009-07-12T15:35:00.002-05:00

Well...week two of Amy's challenge has come and gone! I'm down another 1/2 pound for a total weight loss of 1 lb. which is good but not good enough! And, truthfully, I have no one to blame but myself! I have still been working out but skipped a couple days this week (bad Melanie!) and I also have not been great about what I'm putting in my mouth :( That past couple days I've been getting back on track and it feels great--so hopefully next week I will have a big loss!

As for the challenges this week--I wasn't able to get to a park to do the weekly challenge--although now that I'm re-looking at it, I probably could have found a way to do it outside at the house!

Workout Wednesday focused on your triceps--which I LOVED! I've been very focused on my triceps lately so I loved this workout! I'm aiming big for next week!

And, on a personal note--aside from the challenge, I have come to the conclusion that I definitely need to get better about my nutrition. I KNOW that I have tons of muscle--I can feel it and I know I'm constantly building it up...and I can even see MOST of it--but there are some areas (ahem, arms, tummy) where I can't see it--and the problem is because the fat covering my muscle won't go away unless I really take control of what I'm eating--so that's my current goal: to get my eating back on track and continually eat healthy!

Wordless Wednesday (with words!)

2009-07-07T23:13:00.004-05:00

just a sample conversation of rachel and me (at a random point throughout the day...through text messaging):

me: I did NOT know that...thank you monica!
rachel: I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting!

reasons why rachel is one of my best friends:

when I text her a friends quote, she responds with the exact next line (and vice versa)
she is literally one of the most caring and genuine people I know
she would give you the shirt off her back (and then teach you the cutest way to wear it) if you needed it...
she dances. anywhere. and everywhere. constantly.
I laugh every second that I am with her
and last but not least (and as a blast from the past-college edition), when I ask her where our next meeting is, she responds by saying "TBA??? Wherever that is?!"

Love you Rachel Ann Schoenecker Reese!

15 week challenge-week ONE!

2009-07-05T15:32:00.002-05:00

This was the first week of Amy's 15 week challenge! I'm only down 1/2 pound but I'm definitely seeing improvement so I feel good!

The challenge this week was to create a healthy version of a meal you love! So I took the all-American "hamburger and fries" and healthified it! (yes, I made that word up!) haha

Instead of the hamburger, I made a healthy lean turkey burger and wrapped it in lettuce instead of using a bun. Also, instead of ketchup AND mustard, I just used mustard (no calories!). Then instead of french fries, I cut up a russet potato, shook the pieces in a bag of olive oil (1 tsp does the trick) and then baked them in the oven for my own version of french fries! And, to be honest, they taste just as good...if not better!

Workout Wednesday was hard but definitely a good workout!

Sorry no pictures :( Having a broken camera will do that to ya! haha

New Challenge

2009-06-29T11:45:00.002-05:00

So ever since I finished the detox, I saw my weight creep up about 3 pounds. I know, it's only 3 pounds right? But that's still a lot considering I want to continue going down! I've definitely been getting back on track the past couple days and it feels good to see that number start to go down again--I actually talked to Todd (the owner of my gym) and he gave me a few new things to add into my routine.

My problem was that I wasn't switching up my routine. I know this is something I am supposed to be doing but I think I just got so comfortable with my routine and liked what I was doing that I didn't want to switch it up! But when you don't alter your routine every once in awhile, you kind of hit a plateau and I think I was getting to that point. So, now when I'm on the treadmill/elliptical, instead of doing the 'weight loss' programs, he wants me to do it manually--then as I go along, I need to switch up the incline and resistance. I'm also adding in 10 minutes on the stair stepper machine--which I can definitely tell is working! And he gave me a few new ab/weight workouts so focus on my tummy and under arms. It's going great so far and I feel like the new programs will definitely help me out!

Onto the new challenge...

I found a new blog the other day (gotta love the internet!) called Amy's Quest to Skinny--and she is putting on a 15-week challenge. It will probably be easier to link to it than to try and explain everything so I'll just do that...go here if you want to check it out! It starts today and I am super pumped..I think it will be nice to have different challenges every week and since it lasts through mid-October, it will keep me going for awhile!

I might track my progress here--I might not! Who knows? But I feel like this blog has turned into all about weight loss and that's not what it was (solely) intended for...so hopefully I'll be back soon with something else!

Wordless Wednesday x2 (in honor of Cole's baptism anniversary!)

2009-06-24T20:51:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-24T20:01:00.002-05:00

quick update

2009-06-19T15:25:00.001-05:00

I just realized I forgot to put up my "final" number for the detox--forgive me, yesterday was a hectic day! Well, I weighed myself in the morning and...

I lost another half of a pound so 7 lbs is my grand total! Well...grand total for the detox. My grand grand total is...

18 pounds!!

I'm so pumped! Now I just need to get workin' on that stomach! ;) haha my new goal is to have lost 25 lbs by the end of the month--it's a steep goal, that's 7 lbs. in 2 weeks but I figure if I don't have goals to beat, I'm never gonna get this done! Thanks for following me on this (short) journey and thanks for all the support! It's nice to hear and motivates me even more :)

Detox-DAY TEN

2009-06-17T23:46:00.002-05:00

It's all over?! Who would have thought it would have been that easy?! I'm not saying the temptations didn't get stronger as the days dwindled down but it honestly was really easy for me...I didn't have a serious temptation until, what, day 8? And even then, I didn't even consider cheating.

It feels good to have accomplished something like this. It makes me realize that I can stay healthy on a daily basis even after adding in the stuff I couldn't have. The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of healthy things on the 'no' list for the detox--for instance, egg whites are a great breakfast, whole wheat toast with peanut butter is an excellent breakfast, yogurt is a great snack, cottage cheese or string cheese are great snacks, and pork/beef are actually good for you in small amounts every week--but the purpose of the detox is to cleanse and create a base--and I think it did that very well!

I also think I pinpointed the reason why my weight loss tapered off (I lost .5 lbs yesterday)...I was looking through my notebook where I count my calories/exercise and I definitely did not do as well eating later in the week as I did earlier. Not that I ate worse but, ironically enough, I don't think I ate enough. Everyone knows that when you don't eat enough, instead of losing weight, your body goes into starvation mode and starts storing what you do eat--and I think I just wasn't eating enough in comparison to how much I was working out--and that caused my body to store those calories instead of burn them off. Luckily, I didn't gain weight any day--there were just some days that I didn't lose weight.

And that, of course, means I didn't make my goal of losing 10 lbs in 10 days! Boo! But, honestly, that's okay...because after yesterday, I'm at 6.5 lbs loss and I know I didn't gain anything today...so even if I didn't lose anything today (I weigh myself each morning so I won't know til then!)...I still think 6.5 lbs in 10 days is great progress! That makes 17.5 lbs total! And that is something I am very proud of!

Like I said yesterday, tomorrow is cheat day! But in all honestly, I don't think I'll do anything too horrible! For heavens sake, I want Subway...I'm allowing myself anything and I'm picking Subway! haha But I'm not going to count calories (I am going to work out though--that's one habit that I actually don't like to break! who knew?) But I will be back to it on Friday...I'd like to be at a 25 lb. weight loss by the end of the month...that means, depending on my results in the morning, give or take about 7.5 lbs in 2 weeks--that should be nothing after this! haha

I will keep you posted tomorrow on what my final weight loss was and I will periodically post an update on my weight loss from here on out (probably at big numbers, 20, 25...you get the idea!) Anyway, today looked a little something like this:

breakfast: apple crisps
lunch: protein shake, 1/2 chicken with rice and mixed veggies
workout: 30 minute elliptical, 100 crunches, 35-minute weights
dinner: turkey burger, strawberries, blueberries

Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 3: down 1 lb.
Day 4: down .5 lbs.
Day 5: down 0 lbs.
Day 6: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 7: down .5 lbs.
Day 8: down 0 lbs.
Day 9: down .5 lbs.
Total: down 6.5 lbs.

Check back tomorrow for the total!

Detox-Day 9

2009-06-16T22:28:00.004-05:00

Umm...is tomorrow the last day of my detox? Really? I'm pretty sure that has to be wrong--because in no way, shape, or form does it feel like I've been on such a restricted diet for the past 9 days! It is definitely a great building block for the future.

I do have a couple of notes for today though--my weight 'loss' seems to be tapering off a bit. I didn't lose anything again today. However, I did start a new set of workouts (basically strength training: think dumbbells, yoga mat, and stability ball) at home that I've been doing the past couple days and I'm wondering if maybe that has contributed to the decreased/no weight loss. I can definitely see and feel (think sooore) a difference in certain areas of my body that I wasn't seeing much difference. And we all know that muscles weighs more than fat--so I'm guessing that's what's causing this--in which case, as long as I can keep seeing a difference, I'm okay with it...especially because eventually it will have to come off in one way or another!

I've been doing a lot more ab workouts as well...I was getting frustrated that I wasn't seeing a difference in my stomach. What I've noticed is that since I've started focusing more on my abs, I can see a difference in my lower half of my abs...but the middle stomach is still a problem area (think: where all the rolls collect! haha) so I'm going to try to find a few routines that focus on that specific area.

Lastly, I will probably gain 3 pounds back on Thursday because it's definitely going to be my cheat day! Subway, here I come! Honestly, it probably won't be as bad as I'm making it seem...my stomach has definitely shrunk so I'm not sure how much I'll actually be able to eat! But, after Cheat Day Thursday, it will be back to the grindstone on Friday! I will definitely be keeping the main aspects of this detox in mind but I am excited to add some new things in that I've learned. I'm excited for egg whites for breakfast, whole wheat toast, string cheese, yogurt...all things that are definitely still good for me and will benefit my healthy lifestyle but that weren't allowed on the detox!

I digress...onto today!

Breakfast: banana, protein shake
lunch: oatmeal with blueberries
snack: carrots
dinner: turkey burger, veggie sticks
workout: 20-minute elliptical, 30-minute weights, 15-minute treadmill

Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 3: down 1 lb.
Day 4: down .5 lbs.
Day 5: down 0 lbs.
Day 6: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 7: down .5 lbs.
Day 8: down 0 lbs.
Total: down 6 lbs.

Detox-Day 8

2009-06-15T22:18:00.003-05:00

Only 2 days left? Seriously? Wow..that's pretty awesome! I'm still doing good--I'm definitely getting to that point where I "can live without" but "would really enjoy" certain things--ya know, like bread...a glass of milk...some pasta...and, oh yeah, that absolutely wonderfully smelling piece of pizza Christie bought from Costco!! haha *sidenote* I actually told Christie today...when I started this detox, I thought for sure that as soon as it was over, I was going to be heading to Chipotle for a nice big old burrito! But as the detox goes on, do you want to know what I'm craving? Subway. No joke...I am actually craving the healthiest "fast food" that is out there! I just thought that was pretty ironic and funny :)

No, but for real, the truth is if I want to continue a healthy lifestyle, I'm going to have temptations all. the. time. So I better get use to them now. Once this detox is over it doesn't mean I can never indulge in pizza or pasta or even, gasp!, eating more than normal! But the trick is to never continually overdo it...and if I do end up eating more at one meal, I will need to adjust my schedule for later that day (or vice versa--if I know I'm going to be eating more later, I eat less earlier). Not to mention that once I get down to where I want to be--weight and health-wise--while I will still have to be acutely aware of what I'm putting into my mouth and exercising, I won't have to be as meticulous because I won't want to continue losing weight.

Okay, I feel like these detox updates are turning more into me just going on and on about random stuff than an actual update so I'll try to stop that for the next 2 days! haha Today's rundown...

breakfast: protein shake, bowl of fruit
workout: 30-minute aerobics at home
lunch: almonds, cherries (I know it looks like an insanely light lunch but I had a late breakfast--and a big one at that!)
snack: veggie straws
dinner: chicken, strawberries, mango
workout: 35-minute elliptical, 250 crunches, 30-minute weights, 15-minute treadmill

Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 3: down 1 lb.
Day 4: down .5 lbs.
Day 5: down 0 lbs.
Day 6: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 7: down .5 lbs.
Total: down 6 lbs.

Detox-Day 7

2009-06-14T22:51:00.003-05:00

I almost forgot to post tonight! I'm so exhausted today--who knows why--and I was headed to bed and realized I didn't post. And yes, I am lame enough to come back and post it tonight!

Today was a good day (am I getting redundant?? haha) I even walked into a McDonalds--both yesterday and today...to rent a movie from redbox, don't worry!--and I was not tempted for one second to buy anything! Now that's progress, don't you think? I will admit to one moment today though--luckily it wasn't a serious temptation seeing as how what I wanted wasn't even possible at the time--but, while I was watching the tWINs game today, I saw someone eating a hot dog and I had a huge craving for a dome dog! haha But that's normal for me even when this isn't going on! lol I don't know what it is about those dome dogs but they're just so tasty! I am beyond excited for next Saturday when I can enjoy one, guilt free!

I'm thinking about starting to go to the gym twice a day on days that I'm able...am I crazy? Seriously, call me crazy, but I really actually crave going to the gym now! The fact that I'm starting to see differences--not just by looking at myself but on the scale too--definitely helps..and honestly? I'm unemployed...why not put as much effort into working out and losing as much weight as possible before I get a job and don't have that luxury right?

Also, the big workout yesterday must have been beneficial because I, slightly, made up for the no weight loss the day before! I lost 1.5 lbs yesterday...let's hope for the same result for today since my workout was even longer!

Ok enough rambling :) Onto today...
breakfast: oatmeal made with rice milk (honestly, I don't even taste the rice milk--it's really not bad) and blueberries, protein shake
workout: 10-minute treadmill, 30-minute elliptical, 750 crunches, 45-minute weights, 10-minute elliptical, 20-minute treadmill
lunch: turkey burger, cantaloupe
dinner: chicken, carrots (I was planning on having some watermelon and cherries as well but I was so. stuffed. I guess my stomach really must be shrinking!)
snack: protein shake, 1/2 banana

Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lb.
Day 3: down 1 lb.
Day 4: down .5 lbs.
Day 5: down 0 lbs.
Day 6: down 1.5 lbs.
Total: down 5.5 lbs!

Detox-Day 6

2009-06-13T22:29:00.002-05:00

I am officially over the hump! 4 more days left and I'm still goin' strong! haha

Today was a good day--my hamstring is still a little sore but I iced it a lot today--probably not smart to work out on it (and a longer workout than normal at that!) but I could definitely tell a difference in myself with not working out yesterday and I wanted to get back on the horse, if you will...haha It actually didn't bother me too much when I was working out (surprisingly)...it's mostly when I stretch that muscle so I just avoided doing that as much as possible. I skipped the leg curl (the machine that works your hamstring) and I put most of my weight on my right leg when I knew I was going to be using my hamstring--and the treadmill and elliptical didn't really bother it at all which completely surprised me!

Ok enough about that--in a couple of days, I'll be good as new anyways! I was correct in my assumption yesterday--I didn't lose any weight...but I also didn't gain any which stands as a good outcome in my book! I'll be working out extra hard these last few days (finish strong, right?!) so hopefully I can make up for this day somewhere in there!

Onto the days info...
breakfast: oatmeal and a protein shake
lunch: turkey burger, carrots, blueberries, watermelon
workout: 10 minute treadmill, 30 minute elliptical, 500 crunches, 40-minute weights, 30-minute treadmill
dinner: rice with mixed veggies and chicken with olive oil as the "dressing"

Day 1: down 1 lb
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs
Day 3: down 1 lb
Day 4: down .5 lbs
Day 5: down 0--but up 0 as well! :)
Total: down 4 lbs

Detox-Day 5

2009-06-12T22:46:00.004-05:00

Halfway?! Already?! No way! It doesn't really feel like I've been doing this for 5 days already--but I have! And only 5 more to go :)

Food-wise, today was a really good day...exercise-wise, it was not. I'm not sure if my leg is just really sore or if I actually pulled a muscle but whenever I step on my left foot, I can definitely feel a strain in my hamstring (which I am icing as I type!)--ouchie! So I decided to take the day off from working out--hopefully it's feeling better tomorrow because I typically like to work out a little harder the day after I didn't work out--but we will see! I'm also not anticipating a weight loss for today since I didn't get my workout in...but like I said, hopefully it's feeling better tomorrow and I can make up for it!

Day 5 schedule...
breakfast: banana, protein shake
lunch: turkey burger wrapped in lettuce, peach
snack: carrots
dinner: potatoes baked in olive oil, blueberries, strawberries

Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs.
Day 3: down 1 lb.
Day 4: down .5 lb.
Total: down 4 lbs.

Like I said, I'm not anticipating a weight loss for today but check back tomorrow to find out!

Detox-Day 4

2009-06-11T23:34:00.002-05:00

It is crazy to think that I am almost halfway through this detox!! I remember, before I even started, I thought this was going to be the longest 10 days of my life! In college, I tried the fruit & veggies detox (basically, it's exactly what it sounds like--all you eat is fruit & veggies for 10 days) but there were a couple problems with that one...a) I didn't limit what I could drink...so throw milk, soda, and beer...well that adds a lot of calories! and b) I never actually lasted the full 10 days...I think the longest I lasted was 7 days.

So, this time, I am determined not to cheat and to go the full 10 days. It's definitely easier since there are a lot of foods you can have besides fruit & veggies. Today has been great! Still no cravings, still following the detox to a T :) I actually really like this detox because unlike the fruit & veggies detox or the master cleanse ("the lemonade diet"--you may have heard of that--a friend of mine actually started that the same day I started this detox and she said it was so hard, she only lasted 3 days!), there are a lot of things you can eat that will give you a very solid basis for healthy living after the detox is over. Obviously, I will slowly be adding in extra things like ketchup and salad dressing, etc...but it helps that I'll be able to remember that I don't need those things and I don't need to go overboard with them. Ooh! Another thing that I did today that was fantastic, was I made a turkey burger and since I can't have any bread, I wrapped a piece of lettuce around it as the "bun"...oh. my. goodness. It was sooo good--I may not even need to go back to buns after this!

Anyways, now that I'm done rambling, here was what today looked like:
breakfast: banana, protein shake
lunch: turkey burger wrapped in lettuce, carrots
dinner: a big bowl of fruit (watermelon, canteloupe, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries--you name it)
workout: 20 minute treadmill, 20 minute elliptical, 30 minute weights, 250 crunches, 15 minute treadmill
snack: protein shake, cherries

Day 1: down 1 lb
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs
Day 3: down 1 lb
Total: down 3.5 lbs!!

Don't forget to check back tomorrow--half way point!!

Detox-Day 3

2009-06-10T23:46:00.002-05:00

Best day yet I think...I balanced my meals better and snuck in a quick workout before heading over to Stefs. Still not really craving anything--I was going to say that I was getting a little sick of fruit and cut down on that today but as I'm looking at what I ate, if I said that, it would be a lie! ha! But, on that same note, after looking at what I ate, I need to add in some more veggies tomorrow and the rest of the detox...

This'll be a quick post (not only because it's late--have I mentioned how much I looove (sarcasm folks) tWINs road trips on the west coast?!--but because I don't really have much to report...today went really well, that's about it!

Here's how my day went...
breakfast: banana (I was running late and had to find something to scarf down fast on the way to work...oops!)
lunch: protein shake, chicken, blueberries
workout: 25 minute elliptical (that's ALL! bad melanie!)
dinner: 1 large potato, a can of tuna, and a small amount of watermelon/canteloupe
snack: if you can really count this as a snack (it has 0 calories) but I froze some flavored mineral water and "ate" it as a slushy, haha...I meant to bring my protein mix with for my after dinner snack but I left it at home and didn't want to make the trek back to get it

Round-up so far:
Day 1: down 1 lb.
Day 2: down 1.5 lbs!
Total: down 2.5 lbs

Detox-Day 2

2009-06-10T00:06:00.002-05:00

Soo--my plan was to post quick after the tWINs game...however, since we're now in the bottom of the 9th inning (and have been for quite awhile), I'm just going to do it while we play--we started this inning up 10-0..it's now 10-5 with the bases loaded...Joe Nathan just went in so hopefully that means win but who knows tonight...

anyways, on to the detox update.

Today was a little more difficult only in the fact that I don't think I ate enough. I kept myself pretty busy but instead of realizing that I'm cutting out a ton of stuff and need to make up for it, I just kind of...well...didn't. I've had a headache on and off all day and I even cut my workout a little short because I was getting light-headed (word to the wise: make sure you've eaten enough before you work out for the day!)

Other than that, it wasn't really any harder than yesterday. I haven't begun to crave things yet so that's good :) But I am definitely going to be smarter tomorrow and eat more...here's the breakdown for the day:

breakfast: oatmeal with rice milk & strawberries
lunch: protein shake
workout: 20 minute treadmill, 30 minute elliptical, 30 minute weights, and 10 minute treadmill
dinner: chicken with rice, watermelon
snack: almonds, protein shake

But on a positive note, day 1 of the detox led to a 1 pound weight loss (which is what I would like to average throughout this detox)!! Oh yeah, and tWINs win! Go Nathan!

Detox-Day 1

2009-06-08T21:51:00.004-05:00

So...today was Day 1 of my detox. "What? Detox?" Yeah, I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned anything on here about it...in fact, I haven't really mentioned much of anything on here lately--I've been a bad blogger! But, I plan on tracking my progress with this detox so I'm here to summarize my first day :)

First though, I will explain this detox--but only in a nutshell or else it would take too long. So, basically, I can have all fruits (except oranges), all vegetables (except corn), all nuts (except peanuts or peanut butter), chicken, fish, whole grains, oats, rice, all spices, olive oil, sunflower oil, etc.

I cannot have oranges & corn (obviously), beef, pork (basically any meat other than chicken and fish), no dairy whatsoever (that means no milk, no cheese, no yogurt), no eggs, no condiments (ketchup, mustard, etc....that also means no salad dressing for salad!), any soy products, anything that has high fructose corn syrup (which is A. LOT. of things), no soda, no alcohol, no sugar (I can use stevia in replace of sugar), etc.

I think that pretty much covers the essentials. I also have a protein shake that I drink 2-3 times a day. At first I thought the no soda/no dairy was going to be the hardest for me (I'm a BIG milk drinker) but it really hasn't phased me yet...could be because I've only finished day 1! ha!

This detox lasts 10 days--in fact, Caela finished hers a couple weeks ago and lost 10 pounds in those 10 days--however, I'm not doing this detox just to lose weight..it will also help with the beginnings of eating healthier on a regular basis. Actually, I have found that the past few weeks when I really started getting good about what I was eating, there hasn't been too much that I've eaten that wouldn't have fit into this detox. Obviously the dairy and soda are big ones--but other than that, I've been eating a lot of chicken and fish, salads, lots of fruits/veggies, etc. I've also had the occasional glass of wine though (big no no for the detox!) and I've had the option of going out somewhere to eat--that option is pretty much taken away right now--but that's ok.

Anyways, I will track my progress here each day and let you guys know how I'm doing! (And by 'you guys', I mean the 2 people that probably still read this! ha!) As for today, I'm feeling pretty great! I definitely have noticed tonight that I'm a little more hungry than I usually am--but that could be because I didn't go to work out until 7:30 tonight and working out always makes me hungry! Here's a rundown of what my day was like:

breakfast: 3/4ths a cup of oatmeal with 1/2 cup blueberries (I used rice milk to mix in with the oatmeal--rice milk, almond milk, etc. is allowed)...I also had a protein shake
lunch: 4 oz. chicken, 1 cup of rice, and 1/2 cup of carrots along with a glass of water
dinner: a big bowl of fruit! watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries
workout: I ended up doing a smaller workout today since I went so late (my own fault!) I did 15-minutes on the treadmill, 25-minutes on the elliptical, about 35 minutes on the weight machines, and 100 crunches (way less than normal!)
snack: when I got home, I made my second protein shake of the day

So that's my first day! Hopefully tomorrow will go as well as today!

Wordless Wednesday (blast from the past edition)

2009-06-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

tWINs game & Padre Ramblings

2009-06-02T23:52:00.002-05:00

First, I have a quick story about the tWINs game tonight..my friend Nick had tickets to tonights game and asked if I wanted to go. (Is the answer to that EVER no?! haha) He had great seats--14 rows up straight from the tWINs bullpen! sweet life! Anywho, there was a cotton candy vender in our section that night that made me laugh constantly...every time someone would ask for a cotton candy, if he gave them a pink one, he would toss it and yell "It's a girl!" and if he gave them a blue one, he would yell "It's a boy!" Probably not as funny just hearing it from me...but actually being there and seeing it was hilarious!

Onto Padre Ramblings...this one's a doozy...

So, padre knows I am at the tWINs game, right? Top of the 9th, Joe Nathan has one more out to get before the game is over...BEFORE he gets that last out, the following conversation ensues via text message...

padre: twins win twins win twins win....
me: the games not over buddy...
padre: yeah I just watched it
(in the interim, Nathan DOES indeed get the final out)
me: NOW the twins win
padre: you must have had the time delay
me: I'm AT the game!
padre: i know...
me: ...so i couldn't have a time delay
padre: must have since i knew they won before you did...unless i'm really a psychic (although he spelled that "pshic"...i'm assuming he meant psychic, although one never knows with him)
me: whatever old man

funny story from tonight

2009-05-29T23:56:00.002-05:00

So, a bunch of us went out for Caela's birthday tonight--a bunch of our friends and tons of Nic's family! While we were sitting at the Blue Fox, the following conversation went down and I just had to share it:

Caela: Josh, are you excited to walk down the aisle with Melanie?!
(brief interruption: I am Caela's maid of honor, Josh is Nic's brother and he's the best man--Josh also happens to be like a big, tall dude--think 6'5 maybe??--and I, of course, am barely 5'2...just so you can picture this)
Josh: Yeah! It's gonna be like the circus
Caela: The circus???
Josh: Yeah..."now introducing....The Giant and The Midget!"

The sad/funny thing is...it will ACTUALLY look like that!

I trust Him

2009-05-23T00:33:00.005-05:00

You know, I used to think believing in God and trusting in God were the same thing.

Turns out I was wrong.

I have believed in God my entire life. I love Him. I love being comforted by the fact that I will someday meet Him. I believe He has a plan for everyone and everything. I believe that God knows the ins and outs of our entire being. I believe He knows why I am where I am in my life right now. I believe He, in fact, put me in this exact place. I believe He knows what's next. I don't know but He knows—and He knew before I even existed on this Earth.

But the thing is—while I have always believed in God, I just could never fully trust Him. I digress. I couldn't trust myself—and because I couldn't trust myself, I couldn't allow myself to trust Him. Which is crazy, right? How can you believe in someone and not trust them? How can you believe that they have a plan for you but not trust in that very plan?

How could I?

The honest answer is 'I don't know'. I really don't. All I know now is that I do trust God. I trust Him completely and unabashedly. I trust in His plan for me. I trust that He is guiding me in the right direction. I trust my future in His hands. I trust Him with my life.

I've never been able to say that honestly before. You know, because back then I thought belief and trust were the same thing. Turns out I was wrong. But it's never felt so good to figure out the right.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and
the truth and the life.”
John 14:6

song of the moment

2009-05-19T00:15:00.004-05:00

I *love* this song...

Natasha Bedingfield-Wild Horses

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses, I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too

recklessly abandoning myself before you

I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel

Wild horses, I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses,
run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I wanna run with the wild horses

Padre Ramblings

2009-05-15T21:04:00.002-05:00

So I was reading through Stef's blog today about Cole's allergies when this conversation happened...

me: weird! did you know that the flu vaccine has egg in it??
padre: yeah
me: no you didn't
padre: sure I did
me: no you did not
padre: what did I know again?
me: that's what I thought

conversation of the week

2009-05-13T17:04:00.002-05:00

me: Noah, do you want 5 chicken fingers and 2 fish sticks?
Noah: umm...no, I want 5 chicken fingers and 2 fish sticks please

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-13T17:01:00.001-05:00

the difference between moms and dads

2009-05-04T19:49:00.002-05:00

So, I basically spent this whole past weekend babysitting--which, to be honest, is fine with me. I love that I get to paid to hang out with some pretty great kids--in fact, sometimes it seems unfair that I get paid to hang out with some pretty great kids.

I had Noah and Hanna on Saturday for about 12 hours--when I'm with them for that long, we usually end up going to play at Eagle's Nest and then they get McDonalds for dinner--they love it! So, on Saturday, off we went to play at Eagle's Nest...Noah just turned 6 so when we get there, he's usually off the whole time only periodically coming back to check and make sure Hanna is having fun. Hanna is almost 16 months so we stay in the little kid area--she is quite capable of playing by herself in there but I like to stay close just in case.

Anyways, while we were there, I noticed the difference between moms and dads. Now, I know that this is simply not true for all parents. In fact, I'm sure it's probably not even true for most parents--but, for these parents on this Saturday, it all rang true!

Moms play, dads sit. It seemed like the dads brought their kids to Eagles Nest so they could entertain themselves and they could just ~~play on their phone~~ er, sit and watch. The moms on the other hand were more actively playing with their kids. Now, I do know that a lot of parents come to Eagles Nest because their kids can play by themselves (heck, when I take just Noah I even bring a book to read while he plays) but when you have a child that 12 months and can barely walk (if at all), you kind of need to interact with them a little...
Onto the ball pit. In the younger kids section, there's a big ball pit for them to play in. But, for some of the even younger ones, they can't get in and out on their own. I noticed on Saturday (and the last time we were there), that if a child comes up to the ball pit and you're already there with your kid, moms have no fear of just picking up the kid that wants to play in the ball pit and dropping them in. But not dads! The dads look around--searching, I'm sure, for the parent that will come over and put their own child in the ball pit--or at least for the parent who says it's okay for them to put their child in the ball pit. And, once they can't find said parent, they feel very uneasy touching someone else's child--so they tend to just let that child sit outside the ball pit and watch all the other kids playing. It's actually kind of funny to watch.
Moms will talk to anyone under the sun. They can strike up a conversation with any parent that's there. Dads tend to avoid eye contact and only speak when spoken to--they even seem to stay on their phones while their child is playing just so they don't have to talk to anyone else.

Alright, that's all I can think of for now. I noticed more but it's been a few days and 24 just came on so I can't focus!

Padre Ramblings

2009-04-29T19:54:00.004-05:00

padre: Your sister, i swear...
me: Which one?
padre: what do you mean, which one?
me: well, I have like 8...which one are you talking about?
padre: So anyways, your sister--
me: Which one?!
padre: (in exasperation) Stefanie! Anyways, your sister is not smart.
me: Why?
padre: I sent her a text saying 'Congratulations! I've got good news--I made you a house key' and she sent me a text back saying 'what?'
me: she's probably confused as to why you said congrats...
padre: No, she said something about a hose key! What is she smoking? Anyways, I sent her a text back that says 'what what?' (laughter ensues as padre thinks he's absolutely hilarious)
--pause for 3 minutes--
padre: oh.
me: what?
padre: I guess in my first message, I accidentally called it a hose key.
me: So really you're the moron, not Stef?

Miss California

2009-04-28T15:44:00.001-05:00

WoW. It's been ~~awhile~~ er, a few days! I actually meant to post this sooner--I had it saved and just needed to write a little something but life has been busy the past couple of days! Anyways, I'm sure by now you've all heard about the Miss USA pageant and the answer Miss California gave when asked about gay marriage. I actually found an article from a previous Miss California who is now a minister and I don't think I could have responded in a better way than she did. Take a look, it's quite interesting!

Oh, and if you're new to my blog and don't know my thoughts on gay marriage, make sure you read this post before you decide to leave a comment...just a little heads up :)

Nicole Lamarche, Miss California 2003 and now an ordained minister at Cotuit Federated Church in Cotuit, Mass, is speaking out.

She says:

"As a pastor and a former Miss California, I am often asked to interpret what the Word of God has to say on a particular subject. I am quite confident that God prefers that we human beings stick to speaking for ourselves. And yet there are occasions when God’s Word is used as a weapon, and I feel compelled to speak.

In the past few days, much has been made of the words of Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean. She stated that marriage is between a man and a woman. I write not in response to her opinion, but rather about her comments that followed: that the Bible condones her words. She said, 'It's not about being politically correct, it's about being biblically correct.' While this sentiment is shared by many who seek to condemn gay people and gay marriage, citing pieces of the Bible to further one’s own prejudice fails to meet the Bible on its own terms.

Most people seeking to condemn gay people point to the Book of Leviticus, where we read that men lying with men is an abomination. However, we rarely hear of other verses found in the book of Leviticus that are equally challenging. For example, Leviticus also tells us that eating shrimp and lobster is an abomination. And that a person should not wear material woven of two kinds of material—an impossible mandate for a pageant contestant!

In Paul’s letter to the community in Corinth we read, ‘For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church….’ And yet these words have not prevented Christian denominations from ordaining women, such as myself. Sadly, the Bible has been used to further prejudice throughout history. We have used it to permit ourselves to enslave people; to conquer and kill; and to denigrate the earth.

The truth is that it is difficult to know for sure the intentions of the biblical authors, but we do know something about God. Those of us who know God through Jesus of Nazareth know that he went to great lengths to express God’s love to people who were labeled as outcasts. He spent time with children, prostitutes, and lepers, all of whom were labeled as outside of the grasp of the Holy. As we continue to seek God’s vision for us as a nation grounded in a love for justice, I pray that we might move closer to the cause of grace.”

difference

2009-04-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

Quick update--just because I'm motivated and excited and felt like sharing! haha

Now that I've been really good about eating better and exercising every day, I can definitely tell a difference in myself. It's obviously not a huge difference as it's only been about a week but I can tell a small difference. I don't really think anyone will be able to tell a difference for awhile--but isn't that how it always goes? (Actually, this kind of reminds me of Stefanie--SHE can definitely tell a difference in her baby belly but to most of the outside world, she still looks like her same old, skinny self--I imagine it'll be like that for awhile at the beginning of this process.)

Anywho, I've been noticing both physical and mental changes. Physically, I notice more muscle in certain areas. For some reason, when I work out, my calves are the first place it shows up. They've always been pretty muscular (in fact, they're the one body part I actually like--and have always liked!)...so I can definitely see the muscle building up. It also seems that my legs in general are the area I see the most improvement--I can tell that my pants are fitting a little looser on my thighs. Waist is another story! They are all still fitting about the same on my waist--and while I can't really see a difference in my tummy and arms, I can feel a difference.

Which brings me to the change in my mentality---I think now that I've kept at it for long enough to feel a difference, it changes everything. I don't want to quit. I want to keep going because I can feel it working and if I keep going, I will see it working! And I want to see it working so bad! Also, I'm more confident in the way I carry myself--and in the clothes I wear. (they're all the same clothes...) but I just feel a little bit better in them--not because someone else can see a difference but because I feel the difference. And even if someone else can't see it, I know it's there...for some reason that's helping my confidence. I don't know why but I'm not complaining!

Even when I first got the membership, I would be good for a few days and then kind of slack off. Then I would be good for a week and then I would be lazy for a week. I just had created this habit and it was so hard to break it! But now that I've been to work out AND eating healthy for a week straight, I don't want to give up yet! I know it takes 21 days to create a habit (some say 6 weeks but I'm hoping for the 21 days!) so I want to go for at least 21 days straight...I don't want to stop after that but I feel if I can go for 21 days, then I've created a habit that I want to keep...and this one is healthier than biting my nails!

7 days down, 14 to go--and no signs of stopping yet!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-22T08:28:00.001-05:00

hmmm....pondering

2009-04-20T19:22:00.004-05:00

Not that I generally hold any stock in this type of thing but...

Today I picked Seth up from school while Mom and Kerry were at a class for her knees. I was planning on just leaving right away and going to work out but they bought Eagle Eye over the weekend and I really wanted to see it! So I decided to stay, watch the movie with Seth, and then go work out. (fyi, you don't really need all of this background...in fact, I'm not exactly sure why I'm even typing it...meh) So, while we were watching the movie, Kerry brings out a fortune cookie from the Chinese we had over the weekend and he goes "Here Melanie...whatever this fortune says is about your job situation."

What did it say?

You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.

Hmmm....cue my current state of pondering....I'm not going to pretend like this means anything or that it will actually come true (because, I mean, come on...how often do fortunes ACTUALLY come true?!) but....if you did believe in that sort of thing, that would be pretty neat...

:)

weight loss update

2009-04-20T14:07:00.002-05:00

So...I realized I hadn't posted a weight loss update for a few weeks. Mostly because I haven't lost any more. But, I also haven't gained any more so that's good! I've been hovering around the same number for a few weeks.

In all honesty, I can't say I'm surprised in the least. The last two weeks have been up and down consistently. Plus, mix two days of Easter feasts in there and...let's just say, I'm happy I haven't gained any weight! But I'm now putting my nose back to the grindstone and I'm in it for the long haul. The best thing that's come out of this is that I know I have support. Rachel has had my back from day 1 and she truly does motivate me to keep working out and eating healthy! And NOW, Caela is starting a new "healthy" lifestyle and we're going to motivate each other as well.

My goal for this week (by the end of Saturday) was to lose 4 pounds. I've already lost one pound...so three to go!

One very interesting thing that I learned this week is that you need to vary your caloric intake. The biggest mistake of people who go on diets is that all they do is lower their caloric intake. For instance, an average person eats roughly between 2000 and 2500 calories a day. The suggested amount of calories for someone losing weight is about 1200. That's quite a decrease from their regular amount. And, these people DO lose weight right away. But how often do you hear about people getting frustrated because they stop losing weight after a few weeks or a few months? That happens because your body is used to getting a set amount of calories. It readjusts to this amount of calories--therefore your metabolism adjusts.

What you should do is vary your caloric intake every day. Say, for instance, on Monday, you take in 1800 calories. Tuesday, you take in 1300 calories. Wednesday, you take in 1500, etc, etc. What this does is mess with your metabolism--don't worry, in a good way! If your body can't regulate to the same amount of calories every day, then your metabolism is always going to be working--meaning you're always going to have a high metabolism and your body will work harder to burn off calories. When your body is working harder, you're able to continue lose weight.

Interesting huh?

deal of the week

2009-04-18T23:21:00.002-05:00

While Anne and I were out shopping today (I needed some plain new tops for work--apparantly old RPR t-shirts and WSU sweatshirts don't scream 'professional'! haha), we drove past the Roseville library. Now, I knew that the library was going to be closing for a year for remodeling but I was under the impression that they were relocating all of their books to other libraries.

Apparantly I was wrong!

There was a big "Book Sale" sign out front so we decided to stop in...maybe find a couple good books for cheap. Boy, are we glad we stopped! All of their paperback books were $.50, their hardcovers were $1 and all of their movies were $1! Granted, all the movies that were left were VHS but that's ok...even if you only watch the movie once, you're getting your money's worth (considering it costs $3-4 to rent one these days)!!

Anyways, I ended up getting 4 movies and 7 or 8 books and I spent $9! Can't beat that huh??

ladkal

2009-04-16T14:17:00.001-05:00

just one of those days...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

BASEBALL!!

2009-04-14T22:39:00.003-05:00

If you can't tell from my new blog layout, I'm pretty pumped that baseball season is here!

Just a few notes...

I was a little concerned about the signing of Joe Crede. I mean he's got a decent glove and the kid can bat....when he's healthy. That, of course, being the key phrase...when he's healthy. Not to mention, he came from the White Sox. Almost as bad as coming from the Yankees. Almost. But I decided to give him a chance because he's not your typical White Sox player; he's actually a nice guy (AJP anyone??) and he could really help us out if he stays injury-free. Thus far, he's been a great addition...let's hope he keeps it up.
The Franchise--Liriano's had a rough go of it the past couple seasons but if he's on par this season, he could stack up there with Johan Santana! (who I still miss if anyone's counting...)
Starting rotation--youngest in the majors! At 27, Scott Baker is the 'veteran' of our starting pitchers...but they've all proven themselves in the past and honestly, if they all have good seasons in the same season, we could do really great!
Matt Tolbert. Now, most people don't agree with me on this and that's okay...but I think Tolbert is one heckuva player (and no, not just because he's cute!) I mean, during spring training it was him, Buscher, and Harris all contending for the final two spots...and, had the Twins not gone for 12 pitchers, Tolbert would have made the cut. Provided our starting rotation does well and can pitch well into the game, Gardy may end up cutting back to the normal 11-pitchers and call Tolbert back up. Let's hope so!

Ok, I'm done rambling about baseball...but I'm so excited for the season! Last season in the dome :( and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one upset about that!

Begin each day on purpose

2009-04-13T10:54:00.001-05:00

Do you know what a difference it makes when you begin each day on purpose?

When you wake up in the morning and choose to be happy? Make an effort to look for the positive all day long? When you don't let the negative stuff take a hold of you?

It is absolutely amazing to me how much your perspective on life changes when you wake up and tell yourself that you're going to make the best of it. As much as some people argue otherwise, I truly feel that putting a simple smile on your face can change everything.

That's all. :)

Melanie, I made a rhyme!

2009-04-10T21:47:00.003-05:00

dad: Melanie! Tell christie to get a puck! Tell her to get a puck from Cal Clutterbuck!
--sheer amazement crosses dad's face--
dad: Hey, I rhymed! I made a rhyme! Look at that!

(dad thinks he's right about something again...)
dad: so put that in your brassiere and have a C cup!
me: dad, if i put anything in my brassiere, i would have like an F cup
dad: MELANIE!

Also, I told dad about the blogs about him...and after that last conversation, this is what ensued:
dad: I'm going to put that in MY blog!
me: you don't have a blog
dad: Well I'm going to make one
me: ok
--30 second pause--
dad: now, how do you make one?

Padre ramblings III

2009-04-10T19:39:00.003-05:00

Padre is giving me lots of fodder for tonight...who knows, by the end of the night we may already be up to Padre ramblings X!

dad: Melanie, text Christie and tell her the wilds are tied
me: dad, she is AT the game
dad: yeah but maybe she's not aware!

excuse me as I head back to the computer...

Padre ramblings II...already

2009-04-10T19:34:00.003-05:00

dad: oh! I wonder if I should hide their baskets? What do you think??
(*note* "they" being Cole and Kennedy)
me: I think Kennedy might have a little trouble finding hers...
dad: (creepy laugh) Well they would both have trouble finding them! I would hide them good!

Padre ramblings

2009-04-10T19:09:00.004-05:00

So, as you all know, I live with Padre Swanson. A few days ago Stefanie mentioned how she thought it would be fun to live with dad. Well, frankly...it is. So I've decided to start providing you all with entertainment via my conversation with padre. I had a few real good ones from tonight but now that we're home and I'm sitting here trying to think, they're just not coming to me....so if these ones aren't humorous to you yet, I'm sorry...but I promise they'll get better! Enjoy! (also, sometimes you just have to know my dad to understand some of these...)

*edit* As we're sitting here, dad just turned me to and said "do you want a pizza Melanie?" (Keep in mind, we just got home 15 minutes ago from dinner). "No, dad..." "Are you sure?" "yes, I'm sure." "Ok...cuz if you wanted a pizza, I'd order you one." Does anyone else besides me wonder where he gets it from sometimes?!

--on the way home from dinner at Zantigo--
dad: Oh Melanie! We could have gone to White Castle for dinner!
me: That we could have...
dad: well, we could still go
me: dad! we cannot go to White Castle right now
dad: why not?!
me: we're trying to be healthy!
dad: so?
me: so a) White Castle is *not* healthy and b) we JUST ate dinner
dad: White Castle is healthy...they steam their burgers...
me: ok even IF that were true, we JUST ate dinner

dad: once again, your dad is right
me: why? because you decided?
dad: no...because i'm right
me: dad, you could tell me the sky is pink and believe it
dad: but the sky isn't pink, the sky is blue
me: right. that's my point.
dad: so why would i say the sky is pink when the sky is blue?
me: what i'm saying is, if you decided that the sky was pink even though it's blue, you would tell me it's pink and think you were right
dad: Melanie, the sky is blue right now. But sometimes the sky is pink and if the sky was pink, I wouldn't say the sky was blue but I would say the sky is pink. But since it's blue right now, I would say it was blue right now and then I would be right. So I don't think your theory works.
me: do you even know what you just said?

dad: melanie, want to come take my socks off for me?
me: no.
dad: melanie, i'm asking nicely.
me: and i'm declining nicely.
dad: alright, i guess i'll just have to throw them in your face.
me: if you do, i'll go get my sweaty sports bra and throw it in your face.

dad: Melanie, come try this herring.
me: ew dad, I don't like fish.
dad: you made me try those pita chip things and I didn't like them!
me: first of all, they were veggie chips...second of all, you DID like them...and third of all, they were a form of chips and you like regular chips so its not that much of a leap. I don't like fish.
dad: here, come eat some.
me: no!
dad: herring gives me gas

me, on a regular basis: do you even understand what you're talking about?!

April 17, 2010

2009-04-03T23:25:00.005-05:00

I realized today that I haven't mentioned something incredibly important on here yet...

My best friend is getting married!

I am so beyond excited for Caela and Nic! I can still remember the beginning of their relationship like it was yesterday even though it was like 4 years ago! Nic is such a great guy...I love him to pieces (part of that may be due to the fact that he let me in on the ring-buying process even though he always said he wanted to do it on his own)!! But in all seriousness, the thing I want more than anything in the world is for my friends and family to be happy. And just looking at Caela, you can tell that she radiates happiness.

They are getting married April 17, 2010--which, by the way, the date was already picked out before they got engaged...I have actually had that date saved in the calender on my phone for months now :) Caela also asked me to be her maid of honor and I am so--is this a cliche (and redundant) word?--honored! Their wedding will be such a blast!

Now if I can only manage to not spill champagne down my dress during my speech...

funny Cole story

2009-03-30T23:21:00.003-05:00

So, this actually happened a few days ago but it's absolutely hilarious. Remember my post awhile ago about how Cole calls me "dodo"? Well...he upped the ante a little bit...

The other day, I was playing with Cole and asked him to say auntie (yes, I still try to get the real word out!) and he looked at me and said what sounded incredibly close to auntie..Stef was in the dining room and she heard it too. So we, of course, clapped, said "yay!"...ya know, all the normal stuff.

Not the funny part yet. So obviously I get pretty excited right? In all the excitement, I ask Cole to say auntie again.

Now picture this.

He looks at me. Peeks over at Stef in the dining room. Looks back at me. Leans forward a little bit and in an almost inaudible voice, whispers, "Dodo".

Does this kid seriously know how to play the game already?! I mean, he seriously checked to see if Stefanie was watching and lowered his voice to say dodo instead of auntie! Of course, I turn to Stef, ask her if she heard (she didn't) and then relay the story to her and we both laugh about it. Can you believe it??

there's a reason

2009-03-29T22:58:00.004-05:00

Have you ever reminisced about the past and caught yourself playing the "I miss" game?

I played that game constantly until recently. "Gosh, I miss being in high school and not having a care in the world." "I miss my late-night walks around Como with Kirsten." "I miss sitting up until 4 a.m. talking with Kristina Marie." "I miss having my best friends all live within 10 blocks of me." "I miss college."

Believe it or not, that last one is actually true too..

I'm sure I'm not the only one--in fact, I know I'm not the only one--who has been known to look back on life and miss certain things. And that's normal. I mean, some of the best days of my life have been in the past. Some of the best conversations I ever had were walking around Como at midnight with Kirsten or sitting in mine and Kristy's dorm room talking about life at 4 in the morning. But I also think that some of my best days are still to come. And while I do miss doing some of those things I used to do, playing the "I miss" game kind of goes against the whole "thinking-of-the-positive, live-in-the-here-and-now, keep-a-smile-on-your-face" mindset I'm trying to have every day.

There's a difference between remembering the past and keeping those memories alive but not letting them dictate your future. I used to look back on those memories and they would make me sad. Not because the memories themselves were sad but because I just plain missed still creating those memories. And happy memories shouldn't make you feel sad.

I came to realize that those memories will always have a place in my heart. And I can remember them whenever I want. But why sit and play the "I miss" game when you can go out and create a million more memories? Isn't that what life is about? A series of memories you want to keep with you at all times?

I love my memories. But I can't miss old memories if I want to create new ones.

I'm happy

2009-03-28T16:05:00.003-05:00

It's not that I'm not usually happy, it's just that yesterday I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness. That, while life could be better, life could also be a heckuva lot worse...

Driving home from Christie's after watching Kennedy all day got me thinking--first off, I was driving. I may not have a car that's completely capable of starting right away all the time--but it eventually starts. And I have a car. A lot of people don't.

I was driving on a beautiful, sunny (albeit a little chilly!) springtime day at the end of March while there were others down south living through a spring-time blizzard! And let's face it, beautiful weather can make even the grumpiest person smile :)

I got to thinking about my two job interviews this week. I would love to do either one. One full-time, one part-time. I started thinking about how well they both went (heck, according to the office manager of one, I might be too nice to work there--while I don't necessarily understand it, someone could definitely tell me much worse things). Ya know, I complain about not having job and as frustrating as it still remains to be, I do at least have the part-time caregiver job. Some people don't even have that.

But the main thing that I really thought about was the plain and simple fact that my life is still pretty amazing. I still have things that a lot of people don't. I have a fantastic family. Wonderful parents. Amazing siblings. Sisters that I can tell anything to and not feel judged. Sisters who give me advice as often as I want. A brother that lights up when he gets to see me. A nephew and niece (and one on the way!) that make me smile every day and that I would do anything for. Some people don't have that.

I have friends who always have been and always will be there for me. Friends who I have enjoyed some of the best days of my life with. Friends who have been there for me on the worst days of my life. Friends who love me for just who I am and nothing else. Friends that are family. Some people don't have that.

What it comes down to is that I really am not proud of all the complaining I've been doing since the beginning of the year. And while everyone has told me that those feelings are normal and okay, I'm not okay with it. It seems like I forgot how to be the happy me. During my interviews, it almost felt like a lie to talk about how some of my strengths are my ability to look on the positive, to not let things get to me, to not get stressed out, to always have a smile on my face. Those things felt like lies because I hadn't always acted that way these past few months. For the first time since I got laid off, I am actually excited about the future. Not stressed about the future. Not everyone can say that.

Amazing what a sunny day can do, huh?

update

2009-03-24T20:48:00.004-05:00

So, on Monday was my personal care class. I also dropped my resume off for the office manager. She was in a meeting when I got there so I didn't get to meet her. After my class, I decided to wait and introduce myself so she could put a face with the name. She was in another meeting when my class ended so I waited about 15 minutes.

She came out and I introduced myself. She was incredibly nice and asked if I wanted to come into her office and chat for awhile. So we had an impromptu interview for about 20 minutes. I think it went really well--afterwards, she introduced me to the staffing supervisor who is the person in charge of the department I would work in if I got the job. We sat and talked for about 10 minutes; she seemed really nice too. I went out of it thinking that I would LOVE to get this job--everyone there seems so nice and really fun to work with. Mary (the office manager) told me she would talk with her business partner and get back to me by the end of the week.

I received a call from her today to do a "phone-screening"--she had explained yesterday that the way we were doing things was not the way they generally go about hiring someone. The process usually starts with a phone screening, then an in-person interview, etc. So she wanted to do the phone-screening to get the formalities out of the way. We talked for about 15 minutes and she told me she would talking with her business partner again about our conversation. She also mentioned that they were still in the process of receiving resumes so I'm not sure if I'll get another call back this week or not. I'm hoping so.

The only downfall if you will is...well, you'll see. I talked to Abby today (my friend that works there) and she said that Mary thinks I'm....are you ready for this? Too nice. No joke. Apparantly with this job, there's a fair amount of dealing with, shall we say, unpleasant caregivers. Or caregivers who aren't exactly doing their job and need a little push in the right direction. And Mary is worried that I'm too nice to actually "be mean" and tell them to do their job.

Trust me. I can be mean! I mean, my general demeaner is pleasant I like to think. And as long as everyone is doing their job, I remain happy and respectful. But that doesn't mean I can't be stern when I need to. Come on, there was a reason why I was the disciplinarian at Summer Spec--those kids knew I meant business and that they weren't going to get away with anything. The problem is that I can't call up Mary and be like "hey, Abby says you think I'm too nice...I can be mean"...so, somehow in my next conversation with Mary (as long as it's not the i would love to have you work here but you're too nice rejection call), I'm going to have to find a way to let her know that I can do it...

After almost 3 months of unemployment, I am *not* going to be happy if the sole reason I don't get this job is because I'm too nice. Honestly!

don't worry, I'm TB-free

2009-03-21T15:48:00.002-05:00

Seriously.

When I got the job as caregiver at Home Instead, after the orientation-I was only qualified to do home management caregiving. Which means just basic stuff--cleaning around the house, running errands, etc. No helping the clients get up from their chairs, no helping them get dressed and so on. A more hands off approach if you will. However, the majority of their hours go to personal care caregivers which allows you to do much more. Because personal care is a hands on approach, they require you to get a TB test and take further training. So, I went on Thursday and got my TB test administered so I could go to the personal care training on Monday. I got my test read today and, of course, I don't have TB. I wasn't worried about it but still, good to know I guess??

Oh, did you catch that? I have a job. I don't think I've mentioned that on here yet. Mostly because I haven't actually worked at it yet so it doesn't really feel like a job, ya know?

On to better news anyways. And typically, I don't like to mention job opportunities/interviews, etc. because I always feel a little stupid if I don't get the job. But, I'm at that point where I just don't care anymore so I'm going to write about it... haha :)

I got a phone call from the office manager at Home Instead. They happen to have an open full-time office position that they wanted me to apply for. So, since I'll be in the office for the personal care training on Monday, I am bringing them my resume to look at. I'm not sure if they have other candidates as well...I was a little confused by the way she worded it on the phone. The open position is for a Staff Coordinator and their basic job is to coordinate scheduling between the caregivers and clients. They make sure they are matching the best caregivers with the appropriate client, taking into consideration location, activities, interests, personality, etc. She said it can be very fast-paced and stressful (i.e. when a caregiver calls in sick and you need to rush to find a replacement caregiver for their client) and asked if that was something I was interested in. I generally don't get too stressed and frazzled when it comes to my work so I think it's something I could handle. So this is the part where I got confused about if there were other people applying...after she explained the job description, she said "so what we'd like to do is kind of have a trial period for a few weeks to see how you like it and handle it...and if you prove yourself and enjoy doing it, we would offer a very competitive financial package." So I'm not completely sure what to take out of that. I don't know if she was just saying whoever they decide after they review applications would go through that or if they are going to give me the opportunity immediately and see how it goes. I mean, I guess either way is fine--this opportunity was kind of handed to me and I should have to work for it just like everyone else...I was just a little confused.

So, that's where I'm at. Hopefully at some point this week, I'll find out more about this office position because, honestly, I think I would prefer doing that. Especially because it's full-time and would have a consistent schedule. So we'll see...I'll keep you posted :)

Coles Godmommy

fresh start

Padre Ramblings

Satisfaction....guaranteed?

from this moment

Anger, party of 1

back in action...for today at least

the one where I sound like a nerd and give you permission to laugh at me :)

Less Words Wednesday

fun with my favorite little guy

Wordless Wednesday (as requested)

It's been awhile!

Wordless Wednesday

success

sneak peek

Wordless Wednesday

information overload

Wordless Wednesday (umm..sort of..)

Padre Ramblings

an abundance of Padre Ramblings

While I'm Waiting

back to square one

Padre Ramblings

5 years*

why

compassion

the best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend

Padre Ramblings

because I have the cutest nephew and nieces :)

Being a Christian is a lot like being a pumpkin

conversations with cole

Padre Ramblings

absent

Wordless Wednesday

I'm ba-aaack!

Wordless Wednesday

Padre Ramblings

Wordless Wednesday

coming soon...

it's about time...

the thing about Rachel

Melaniewow, way to make a girl cry raehaha

Racheli am sorry mel!!!!i didnt mean to make you cry!!!!

Melaniehaha no it's ok! good tears

Rachelgoodwell not good, but glad they arent sad tearsi am crying too damnit

Melaniehaha we're a pair, aren't we?

RachelTBA!

Melanieforever!

RachelAND THEN SOME!

Melanieyou know it!

Rachel:D

Melaniecan we be neighbors in Heaven? i think that would be pretty cool...

Rachelummm we are going to be attached at the hip in heaven yo!

Wordless Wednesday

saved by grace

Padre Ramblings

Wordless Wednesday

happy 25th!

Wordless Wednesday

Padre Ramblings

Wordless Wednesday

have I mentioned before that I love my friends?

it's about that time...

Wordless Wednesday

Padre Ramblings

15 week challenge-week TWO!

Wordless Wednesday (with words!)

15 week challenge-week ONE!

New Challenge

Wordless Wednesday x2 (in honor of Cole's baptism anniversary!)

Wordless Wednesday

quick update

Detox-DAY TEN

Detox-Day 9

Detox-Day 8

Detox-Day 7

Detox-Day 6

Detox-Day 5

Detox-Day 4

Detox-Day 3

Melanie
wow, way to make a girl cry rae
haha

Rachel
i am sorry mel!!!!
i didnt mean to make you cry!!!!

Melanie
haha no it's ok! good tears

Rachel
good
well not good, but glad they arent sad tears
i am crying too damnit

Melanie
haha we're a pair, aren't we?

Rachel
TBA!

Melanie
forever!

Rachel
AND THEN SOME!

Melanie
you know it!

Rachel
:D

Melanie
can we be neighbors in Heaven? i think that would be pretty cool...

Rachel
ummm we are going to be attached at the hip in heaven yo!

song of the moment

update